Jackie Wells-Fauth
It was supposed to be simple. My passport is coming due this year and although I don’t presently have plans to be out of the country, I thought it wise to get it renewed. Little did I know the process might make it so I have to flee the country!
For those who have never been so foolish as to do this, to get a passport, you must fill out a lot of paperwork, give the State Department an inordinate sum of money, and best of all, have a very specific picture taken. I presume this is so the guards at the borders have something to laugh at and break up their day!
I accept that my pictures on official identification are never going to get me a spot on America’s Top Model. My driver’s license picture always makes me look like a thug working for Al Capone, but the passport pictures! My expiring passport had a mediocre picture at best, but we must understand that they weren’t working with prime material. So I would like to state right here that I was not expecting a lot. But I was hoping for reasonable.
It seems that when you take passport pictures now you don’t wear your glasses. Without my glasses, I couldn’t see from where I was sitting to the camera. She took the first picture and announced, “We need to try again, you look uneasy.” That’s my natural expression whenever I have to take a picture, especially without my glasses!
Her camera was “acting up” according to her, so it was taking pictures not just when she pressed the button, but at random times as well. She got one of me picking something out of my teeth, looking down because I noticed my shoe was untied and rubbing my forehead because the whole process was giving me a headache. I presume it was doing the same for her!
She told me, “Do this with your eyes.” And she proceeded to pull her eyes wide open with her fingers. I wanted to get done, so I did the same, which caused my eyes to water. “You’re squinting in this one. We have to try again.” Of course I was squinting; I couldn’t see a foot in front of me and I pulled my eyes open and made them burn!
“We have to get a picture with some of the whites of your eyes on all sides,” she explained to me. So, I concentrated on holding my eyes wide open. “Shut your mouth,” she said. It’s not my fault, I can’t hold my eyes wide open without hanging my mouth open too!
“You’ve a terrible frown on your face in this picture, that won’t work,” she said, snapping three more as I attempted to hold my eyes open, not squint and not frown.
“You need to hold your eyes wide open, but have a natural expression,” was her next instruction. By that time, I was afraid she wouldn’t want to see my natural expression, but I kept trying.
Finally, on about attempt number 55, she said, “Well, that one’s not too bad, we’ll use it.” The picture she felt was “not too bad,” has me, holding my eyes wide open, looking like someone just shoved something up my rear. “Not too bad,” for me was extremely bug-eyed. I’ve never looked so surprised in my life. However, the good news is you could see the whites around my eyes!
I paid $15 for the picture which was $14.75 too much and took it home to show Roy. “Don’t laugh,” I said, and he truly tried, but within seconds, he was holding his sides and snorting water out his nose. Yep, it was that bad!
I sent the picture in with the form, and I figure the people at the State Department had a lot of fun that day, which makes me wonder what using that passport is going to be like. The border guard is going to say, “I can’t tell this is you. Take off your glasses and bug out your eyes.”
I will end this sad saga by stating that I did not take this picture locally and I will not be including that picture with this article. Suffice it to say, however, that with that for a passport, I may need to leave the country permanently!
dropsinthewell 