Monthly Archives: October 2016

I miss my commercials…

If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be hanging out in a closet at the back of my house. It’s not a large closet…in fact, it’s small and dark. But it’s quiet and I don’t have to listen to any more political backlash.

I really don’t mind avoiding politics, but I do miss my commercials. After all, if I don’t watch all the non-stop commercials, how will I know how to live?

Roy comes to check on me occasionally, and although he’s concerned about me, I know he doesn’t really understand.

“There’s a debate going on tonight,” he tells me. “Don’t you want to watch?”

“No,” I answer quickly, “But be certain to tell me about the commercials.”

“The commercials?” he was truly puzzled. “What do you need them for?”

“How can I decide what car insurance to buy? How can I determine the best way to determine if my teeth are white enough?” I felt a little frantic, sitting there in that tiny dark space.

“I wasn’t aware that the whiteness of your teeth was keeping you up nights,” he said dryly.

“It isn’t just that,” it frustrates me when he doesn’t understand. “ How will I know which pills to take for my ailments? What about my shoes? Coat? Cool sunglasses? I can’t decide which ones to get unless I have my commercials and I feel like I’m in withdrawal.”

“Then come out and watch your commercials,” Roy withdrew his head from the closet and prepared to leave.

“I can’t do that! If I come out to watch my commercials, I”ll have to listen to all the political stuff and I just can’t stand that…and I don’t know which tranquilizer will be the best. Oh, this is really terrible!”

I buried my distraught face in my kleenix, but I don’t know if this brand is still the softest and best, so that was pretty upsetting as well.

Roy really does try to be encouraging, “If you hear some political programming, you might learn about the issues.”

“Someone is actually talking about the issues?” I asked incredulously, “When did that start?”

I spent some more time in that dark closet worrying about which restaurant will allow me to have the laughing best time and which cereal will give me the best start to the day. I thought a lot about air fresheners (it was stuffy in the closet), and I wasn’t at all confident about which energy system would save me the most money. And worst of all, what if I needed a new vehicle (while sitting in the tiny closet)…where would I go and what would I buy????

Still, I will stay in my closet. It may not be the best solution, but I can’t handle the so-called, “election process” and I think bipartisan cooperation may be something we will only see today in the history books.

The closer we get to the election, the more vicious and unreasoning it becomes; I have irrefutable proof of this. While I was sitting in the closet worrying about how I would use the best bleach and how I would vacuum my rugs (the one I was sitting on was kind of dirty), Roy suddenly opened the door again.

“I don’t want to come out of the closet,” I screeched at him.

“I didn’t come for that,” he answered quietly.

“Then what?” I was truly puzzled.

“I just watched the last debate,” he answered grimly.

“And?”

“And, I want you to move over; I’m with you now.”

Golly, I really hope my teeth are white enough for this up-close contact, but on the other hand, the closet is pretty dark.

I hope you all survive the election season!

 

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

Skol Vikings!  Let’s Lose the Beer!

I love a good road trip. And a road trip so Roy can watch the Vikings play in their brand-new stadium? Why not? It would be fun!

Our road trip required that we get to the Minneapolis area the night before, so we’d have plenty of time at the stadium. So, we got pretty much the last motel room in Chaska on the outskirts of the city. We got our key and checked out our room…and sat down on the bed…and lifted the covers to check out the slab of marble that had to be what it was made of, it was so hard.

A quick visit with the desk clerk wasn’t helpful:

Me: Could we get a room with a mattress and a box springs instead of two box springs?

Clerk: Are you trying to infer that the bed is hard?

Me: No, I’m saying right out that this bed is so hard, Goldilocks would have sued for back injuries!

Clerk: If you are dissatisfied, you are welcome to vacate the room.

Of course, he knew that every hotel in the area (including his by that time) was sporting a no vacancy sign. There was no help for it…we had no choice but to stay with a bed that had all the comfort of a metal table in a morgue. About five o’clock a.m., after tossing and turning for a while, I finally decided to sit up in the overstuffed chair in the room. It was apparently overbalanced as well, and I immediately went over backwards in the chair, hitting my head on the wall with the required swear words along with it. Roy sat straight up in the bed, hollering, “What the …..” He wasn’t too upset however, or he was just too asleep to react, because while I struggled to get out of the overturned chair, he fell back asleep!

I left the hotel, bent over from a serious “bed-back,” and headed out to the game, fortified with a great breakfast consisting of a banana! We got to downtown Minneapolis and then searched for a place to park. The closer the parking space was to the stadium, the more it cost, so we finally found a parking lot charging only $15, compared to $25 or $30 by those with geographic advantage. Our lower price parking was offset by the fact that we walked for half an hour to get to the stadium.

But what a stadium! It was amazing with the huge doors standing wide and music playing and souvenirs being hawked. As we headed inside, I was thrilled to see that at 9:30 a.m., the hawkers were standing in the entrances to the stadium trying their best to sell the people coming in some beer. Even more disturbing is that they were succeeding.

Now I don’t mind if a person wants to enjoy a beer, but at 9:30 in the morning? Really? And of course, the person who was buying and consuming the most ended up right behind me…as usual. He courted disaster by taunting fans from the other team with comments about their looks and actions. He screamed so loud in my ears that I am still not hearing entirely right, but I know I’ll hear him yelling, “Come on, ref, throw a “f……” flag once willya?”

He was pretty well greased when he got to his seat, but he continued to buy beers from the vendors coming around. They came around with beer three times as often as any other (non-intoxicating) refreshment. I know the beer was cold because what he missed guzzling down, he spilled on my arms and neck and spit on me as he was screaming at the game. After he left permanently in the fourth quarter, I discovered that my coat pocket (with my camera in it) had been soaked at some point with beer as well, no doubt courtesy of my inebriated friend.

It really was a very nice road trip, and a great game in spite of hard beds and too much beer. Fortunately, my camera survived its alcoholic sponge bath, but I have to ask the venders at US Bank Stadium if maybe, in the future they could sell hotdogs, soda and water and maybe some peanuts and just lose the beer?

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

Hey waiter, there’s a fly in my mouth!

I rarely get angry letters from parents, thank goodness, but I remember the October I got a note from a rather puzzled mother regarding her child’s clothing.

“Dear Mrs. Fauth: My little Suzie (not really her name) came home yesterday with some nasty brown stains on her clothes and a preposterous story about how you spit on her. I know that this can’t be true, however, because even if you chewed tobacco, you wouldn’t be doing so at school…right? Signed, Susie’s Mother.”

“Dear Suzie’s Mother:” (I replied) “I fear that little Suzie is in fact telling you the truth, but rest assured, I wasn’t chewing tobacco in school. I actually blame the whole thing on the fall weather. Allow me to explain by telling you a story:

It seems that since the weather has been cooling off, my resident annoying fly, Horace, has invited a few of his less housebroken friends into my classroom. The other morning, in this environment, I set down my morning coffee to walk around the room helping students with assignments.

I did not see Horace crawl into my cup, where he evidently noticed a friend of his already taking a dip in my fresh coffee. “Hey, Clyde, “ he whispered, “Get out of there! We aren’t allowed to use the coffee pool, especially first thing in the morning. Come on! She’ll catch us.”

“But it’s so warm!” Clyde insisted, fluttering his wings. “You should try it.”

“Oh, alright,” Horace gave in to temptation and glancing over his shoulder to where I was across the room, he added as he crawled in, “But watch for her to come back, so we can get out in time.”

Well, Suzie’s Mother, they got pretty comfortable in my coffee cup (some might say they drowned in the sensation), and I suddenly remember that I had a cup of coffee on my desk. I grabbed it without looking, and it was while I was on my way over to help little Suzie, that I took a sip….and felt a couple of small lumps pass my lips into my mouth…and realized immediately what Horace and Clyde had done.

It was at this point, Suzie’s Mother, that you can picture what happened. I needed to get two flies out of my mouth at once and since they were in a mouthful of coffee, I was forced to expel the whole works without time for consideration, shooting the flies across the room at a speed they never achieved on their own and spraying coffee all over poor little Suzie.

I have no doubt that Suzie was startled by the brown spray that hit her, but she could not have been surprised to learn that flies were the culprits. They have been swarming in my room like the carcass of a rotting dead water buffalo was lying in there. I have killed and killed and killed these slow, lazy flies until my room resembles an insect burial ground and still more keep showing up through whatever portal Horace opened for them.

I will, of course, pay for the cleaning of little Suzie’s clothes, but I would suggest that we wait to do that until all the flies around here have gone to whatever they call a happy hunting ground, because until they do, I fear there could be another coffee spewing incident and I can’t guarantee Suzie will not be in the line of fire. Perhaps she would like to wear her raincoat to my class? Sincerely, Mrs. Fauth”

May all of you out there survive the “fly season” with grace. And for any funny guys who would like to gross me out by asking what fly tastes like, I will be happy to share the experience with you by adding a few of Horace’s friends to your morning brew! Happy week!

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column