Hey waiter, there’s a fly in my mouth!

I rarely get angry letters from parents, thank goodness, but I remember the October I got a note from a rather puzzled mother regarding her child’s clothing.

“Dear Mrs. Fauth: My little Suzie (not really her name) came home yesterday with some nasty brown stains on her clothes and a preposterous story about how you spit on her. I know that this can’t be true, however, because even if you chewed tobacco, you wouldn’t be doing so at school…right? Signed, Susie’s Mother.”

“Dear Suzie’s Mother:” (I replied) “I fear that little Suzie is in fact telling you the truth, but rest assured, I wasn’t chewing tobacco in school. I actually blame the whole thing on the fall weather. Allow me to explain by telling you a story:

It seems that since the weather has been cooling off, my resident annoying fly, Horace, has invited a few of his less housebroken friends into my classroom. The other morning, in this environment, I set down my morning coffee to walk around the room helping students with assignments.

I did not see Horace crawl into my cup, where he evidently noticed a friend of his already taking a dip in my fresh coffee. “Hey, Clyde, “ he whispered, “Get out of there! We aren’t allowed to use the coffee pool, especially first thing in the morning. Come on! She’ll catch us.”

“But it’s so warm!” Clyde insisted, fluttering his wings. “You should try it.”

“Oh, alright,” Horace gave in to temptation and glancing over his shoulder to where I was across the room, he added as he crawled in, “But watch for her to come back, so we can get out in time.”

Well, Suzie’s Mother, they got pretty comfortable in my coffee cup (some might say they drowned in the sensation), and I suddenly remember that I had a cup of coffee on my desk. I grabbed it without looking, and it was while I was on my way over to help little Suzie, that I took a sip….and felt a couple of small lumps pass my lips into my mouth…and realized immediately what Horace and Clyde had done.

It was at this point, Suzie’s Mother, that you can picture what happened. I needed to get two flies out of my mouth at once and since they were in a mouthful of coffee, I was forced to expel the whole works without time for consideration, shooting the flies across the room at a speed they never achieved on their own and spraying coffee all over poor little Suzie.

I have no doubt that Suzie was startled by the brown spray that hit her, but she could not have been surprised to learn that flies were the culprits. They have been swarming in my room like the carcass of a rotting dead water buffalo was lying in there. I have killed and killed and killed these slow, lazy flies until my room resembles an insect burial ground and still more keep showing up through whatever portal Horace opened for them.

I will, of course, pay for the cleaning of little Suzie’s clothes, but I would suggest that we wait to do that until all the flies around here have gone to whatever they call a happy hunting ground, because until they do, I fear there could be another coffee spewing incident and I can’t guarantee Suzie will not be in the line of fire. Perhaps she would like to wear her raincoat to my class? Sincerely, Mrs. Fauth”

May all of you out there survive the “fly season” with grace. And for any funny guys who would like to gross me out by asking what fly tastes like, I will be happy to share the experience with you by adding a few of Horace’s friends to your morning brew! Happy week!

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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