Tag Archives: bugs

Hey waiter, there’s a fly in my mouth!

I rarely get angry letters from parents, thank goodness, but I remember the October I got a note from a rather puzzled mother regarding her child’s clothing.

“Dear Mrs. Fauth: My little Suzie (not really her name) came home yesterday with some nasty brown stains on her clothes and a preposterous story about how you spit on her. I know that this can’t be true, however, because even if you chewed tobacco, you wouldn’t be doing so at school…right? Signed, Susie’s Mother.”

“Dear Suzie’s Mother:” (I replied) “I fear that little Suzie is in fact telling you the truth, but rest assured, I wasn’t chewing tobacco in school. I actually blame the whole thing on the fall weather. Allow me to explain by telling you a story:

It seems that since the weather has been cooling off, my resident annoying fly, Horace, has invited a few of his less housebroken friends into my classroom. The other morning, in this environment, I set down my morning coffee to walk around the room helping students with assignments.

I did not see Horace crawl into my cup, where he evidently noticed a friend of his already taking a dip in my fresh coffee. “Hey, Clyde, “ he whispered, “Get out of there! We aren’t allowed to use the coffee pool, especially first thing in the morning. Come on! She’ll catch us.”

“But it’s so warm!” Clyde insisted, fluttering his wings. “You should try it.”

“Oh, alright,” Horace gave in to temptation and glancing over his shoulder to where I was across the room, he added as he crawled in, “But watch for her to come back, so we can get out in time.”

Well, Suzie’s Mother, they got pretty comfortable in my coffee cup (some might say they drowned in the sensation), and I suddenly remember that I had a cup of coffee on my desk. I grabbed it without looking, and it was while I was on my way over to help little Suzie, that I took a sip….and felt a couple of small lumps pass my lips into my mouth…and realized immediately what Horace and Clyde had done.

It was at this point, Suzie’s Mother, that you can picture what happened. I needed to get two flies out of my mouth at once and since they were in a mouthful of coffee, I was forced to expel the whole works without time for consideration, shooting the flies across the room at a speed they never achieved on their own and spraying coffee all over poor little Suzie.

I have no doubt that Suzie was startled by the brown spray that hit her, but she could not have been surprised to learn that flies were the culprits. They have been swarming in my room like the carcass of a rotting dead water buffalo was lying in there. I have killed and killed and killed these slow, lazy flies until my room resembles an insect burial ground and still more keep showing up through whatever portal Horace opened for them.

I will, of course, pay for the cleaning of little Suzie’s clothes, but I would suggest that we wait to do that until all the flies around here have gone to whatever they call a happy hunting ground, because until they do, I fear there could be another coffee spewing incident and I can’t guarantee Suzie will not be in the line of fire. Perhaps she would like to wear her raincoat to my class? Sincerely, Mrs. Fauth”

May all of you out there survive the “fly season” with grace. And for any funny guys who would like to gross me out by asking what fly tastes like, I will be happy to share the experience with you by adding a few of Horace’s friends to your morning brew! Happy week!

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

A Walk in the Gloaming

I read somewhere that some bugs are very high in cholesterol if ingested by a human being. I really hope this is not true, because I’ve been having a rather steady diet of them lately.

It’s bad enough that I keep falling asleep in my chair only to be awakened by some fly trying to crawl in my mouth. You wake up fast while trying to spit fly off your tongue but so far, I don’t think I’ve actually feasted on one.fly

The same cannot be said for bugs when I’m out walking. I know that I need to walk, but unfortunately, this time of year, I can only get in a walk in the evening, just before dark—a time that my ancestors might have termed the “gloaming.”

Unfortunately, in the gloaming, the sun is actually going down, which reduces the heat, but encourages the bugs. I walk out there with my slow step and heavy frame and I have no chance of outrunning those bugs. Therefore, I end up waving my arms around like a disjointed windmill, trying to fend them off. And there are a lot of them.

I’ve been reading stories and watching programs which predict that some animal will take over the earth from the humans. I frankly don’t worry about tigers, dogs, bears or apes. I think the earth will be overrun by bugs.

I recognize this as the ugly truth every time I take this walk in the gloaming. Every type of winged creature makes its way outside and straight for the path I’m walking.

Charlie Bug will say to Arnold Bug: “Hey, buddy wanna have a good time?”

“Sure,” exclaims Arnold, “What do you have in mind?”

“Fly on over to the Fauth walk and we can fly into the old lady’s hair, eyes, ears, etc.” Charlie leads the way.

“Sounds like fun,” shouts Arnold as they fly my way. “It’ll be so easy, especially when they don’t have any better sense than to walk in the gloaming!”

Tonight, they were in particularly good form. I ran into the side of a building while trying to wave off some particularly persistent friends of Charlie. Arnold managed to win the annoyance trophy by flying between my eye and my glasses, but I’m afraid the news was not so good for Charlie. As I was talking to my husband, Charlie flew down my throat to become a mosquito canapé. All the spitting in the world couldn’t bring poor old Charlie back.giant_gallinipper_mosquito

Hence, my hope that bugs are not high in cholesterol, because here is a human than seems bound to ingest more than her fair share. Happy gloaming, everyone—celebrate it by not walking with the mosquitoes.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column