Monthly Archives: January 2016

Picture not so perfect…

I watched a woman today trying as hard as she could to avoid having her picture taken. Why, you might ask, would she avoid it? She was a nice looking woman, but she didn’t feel properly dressed, her hair wasn’t done the way she wanted, and on and on went her excuses until I was pretty proud of her.

I have played the “please don’t take my picture” game my entire life. I think it stemmed from the day I was five and my mother dressed me in an emerald green dress, combed out my hair and took me to the photographer. I refused to smile, but this was not that photographer’s first rodeo. He said, “You’re so pretty with that red hair and freckles, I’ll bet you have lots of boyfriends. How many are there?” I smiled in a goony fashion and said, “Five.”

I still say I was not confessing to being a kindergarten slut, I was telling him my age, but the story has stuck–along with the goofy expression on my face which he forever immortalized. Ever since then, pictures have become an ordeal.12002417_10100595093730356_8133938329551253802_o

If you relent and allow your picture to be taken, it always comes out with your finger in the vicinity of your nose or your mouth open, revealing an unobstructed view of your tonsils—not your best feature. However, if you refuse to have your picture taken—you are expected to have a reason why not, as in: “You can’t take my picture. Why? Because I’m in the witness protection program and I would be killed if my picture comes out.” “Because I’m sensitive about the skin disease I have that whenever my picture is taken, dirty words appear in my rash.” “Because if you take my picture when I said no, I’m going to stick that camera in a convenient place.” You name the excuse for not having a picture taken, I’ve used it.

I used to think it had to do with looks, but since I was never model-beautiful, I can’t imagine that I would be that vain. I think it has more to do with privacy. I object to being assaulted at any random moment. I have seen pictures of myself with my mouth wide open, about to devour a hamburger. I have seen myself, with my “best side up” about to pick something up from the floor. I’ve seen pictures where my hair ran a close second for worst style against Nick Nolte’s arrest photo. I simply do not take pictures well and they are the kind of memories I’d rather not save!

I truly think there should be a law about pictures. Everybody with a smartphone today can snap a picture, but what if we listed cameras of any kind as weapons? When we take large group pictures, that would make the phones or cameras weapons of mass destruction. Someone takes my picture in some unflattering moment…pretty much any moment would qualify…and I could have them arrested for assault with intent to display!

I’ve heard that computers are now equipped with cameras which could be hacked. That means the camera could get me walking into the kitchen with my night hair and ragged nightie. Or worse still, coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel which doesn’t have the yardage to cover the important stuff. This thought has given me nightmares and caused me  to regard my computer with hostility and suspicion.

I know that camera control  will never happen and I’ll spend the rest of my life hiding behind some convenient (but never big enough) fellow picture subject, when the cameras come out. I’ll try to bear it by thinking of it as a nice, benevolent execution—they line you up on the wall and shoot you. But, instead of it being all over when they are done shooting, you have the even worse ordeal of having to look at the picture…forever…in the most inconvenient of places. Smile, everyone, we’re on Candid Camera!

 

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

The Cleaning Cliché

New Year’s Resolution number one this year for me was to keep my house cleaner. I figured this would be easier to keep than losing weight and at least my husband might get some benefit if the house was cleaner.

I really mean to keep this resolution, but I haven’t been able to resist looking for some shortcuts that would help with the cleaning. I have done more research on these shortcuts than I have spent time cleaning house since January 1, and I must confess, the shortcuts I have tried have not turned out that well.

Let’s take the smell issue. I read that your house will appear cleaner if you have a pleasant smell, such as a scented candle can give you.20160111_092630 I invested in a great many scented candles and lit them throughout the house. Then I sat down to read my Facebook and found a charming article on how unhealthy scented candles are! Add to that the fact that my husband couldn’t tell me how great the house looked because he was too busy sneezing from the candles! Exit a lot of scented candles!

I still went with the smell theory, however. Rooms like the bathroom will have a cleaner appearance if you pour just a small amount of cleaning fluid in the corner…preferably by the toilet. I used bleach, which watered my eyes and ruined the paint on the wall where it splashed. As for the other suggestion..that baking cookies enhance the look of a house by presenting a beautiful smell? I burned the cookies. The house looks a lot less clean through a haze of smoke and an acrid smell!

Your house will be cleaner, they say, if you spend 15 minutes every day picking up. People with children or pets know that this is a joke. While you are picking up for your 15 minutes, they are making messes which will take hours to undo. When they get old enough to help, children will find their own way of using the cleaning time and as for pets…well, they never quite get the hang of sweeping a floor and they leave enough fur to open their own coat factory!

Always keep a mat in your bathtub, the experts advise. That way, you can pour cleaners in the tub and it will, again, smell better and when the mat gets too bad, you can simply remove the mat and put in a new one. If only the same could be said for the toilet! And as for the soap scum on the shower walls, even a squeegee application after each shower (which is recommended) does not keep those walls from looking as though there is a permanent fog in there!

I know that there are ways in which I could keep my resolution for a cleaner house. One of those involves dynamite and a pay loader. The other involves hiring a cleaner. And I’m not sure after the cleaner took one look at the place, that she/he wouldn’t recommend the payloader and the dynamite. Good luck with your New Year’s resolutions…and your cleaning!

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

The Annual Christmas Clinic

 

Roy is coming down with a doozie of a cold. He gets at least one a year, but this one is directly related to the holidays. Now, before you jump to the conclusion that he has this illness because of too much holiday partying, let me assure you, it has nothing to do with that!

Every year, we start out like any other family, hoping for a Christmas with meaningful Christmas church experiences, just the right gifts, way too much food and maybe, just for fun, a good old fashioned family fight to spice things up. That’s not too much to hope for, is it? That is not what happens at our house.

It seems like when the Christmas holiday approaches, Moses must intercede with God and ask for a reenactment of the seven plagues of Egypt, using our family as an example! We may not get rivers of blood or a swarm of locusts and thank goodness, we don’t do the whole death of a first born, but we do seem to be getting hit with more than our share of bugs!

It generally starts with Royce, my older grandchild. He goes out looking for an interesting bug for which, after he has displayed the symptoms, he is taken to the hospital and properly drugged for his efforts. In the beginning he kept these germs to himself and one memorable Christmas Eve, he ended up in urgent care for his fever.

His techniques have expanded since then, however, because he has now learned to share and that’s just what he does with his germs. He turns to his brother, mother or father and sometimes his aunt and uncle and says, “Here, you can have some of my germs.”

As a result, we have literally held present openings with someone lying on the floor by the tree with a high fever and eaten a supposedly delicious Christmas dinner with someone retching into a toilet just down the hall.

It takes its toll on the family and always, always, always, just as we think everyone is over the hump (so to speak) Roy manages to come down with the disease…whatever it is!

I never pick up these bugs (knocking on wood there), but I had my own “year of illness” a couple of years back when I developed an intestinal infection right before the holidays. By the time Christmas arrived, I had been diagnosed and treated, but it meant I was sipping “delicious” chicken broth a spoonful at a time while everyone passed the turkey, mashed potatoes, cheesy green beans, etc. past my nose and consumed it before my eyes.

If the disease is contagious, however, the cramped quarters of a family gathered for the holidays makes it inevitable that as many people as possible will take their turn at the holiday altar of germs. This year was no different than usual, with a miserable cold, sore throat, general punk taking hold of as many as possible and ending with Roy.

So, I’m not asking for gifts next Christmas, as much as I like to get them. Next Christmas, I’m going to plan for the holidays with as many immune-building vitamins and over –the – counter aids that I can find and pass them out to all my family while I fervently beg the Almighty to make it possible that no one needs antibiotics, anti-nausea pills or even an aspirin and we truly have a healthy, Merry Christmas!

Hope all of you had a healthy and a happy Christmas this fine holiday season!

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column