Jackie Wells-Fauth
In my defense, what I’m about to tell you is something that many people have experienced. I just seem to manage to mess it up more than other people would. I’m speaking of course, of my wild flirt with going to jail for car theft.
I blame the manufacturers of today’s cars. It would be so much better if they didn’t make them all look alike and then stir up a giant vat of paint and paint them all the same color!
I have always had difficulty with finding my car in a parking lot. I comforted myself with the idea that this was only true if we were in a large parking lot, but this past week, I discovered that I would probably be able to lose my car if it was parked on the street outside my house!
I was in a hurry and I stopped at a small local store for several items. Coming out of the store, I registered that there were only two cars in the small lot, looking very similar. That was okay, mine was the nearer one. I whipped open the back door and arranged my packages on the back seat, having to move over a box on the seat to make room. Then I started to climb in the front. Just as I was arranging myself, it suddenly occurred to me: Box? I didn’t have a box in the back seat! I also didn’t have a hairbrush and a magazine on the front seat beside me, but there they were.
Moving as fast as my old legs would carry me, I hauled my butt out of the front seat and then snatched my bags out of the back, trying to rearrange the box in the best approximation I could of what it was before I tried to steal the car.
I was then considering whether to wipe my fingerprints off the car and trying to remember where the one place is that crooks never wipe down (according to Monk, Columbo and Jessica Fletcher) when out of the corner of my eye, I saw another person coming out of the store. Assuming all the panache of a water buffalo leaving the mudhole, I jumped to the other car. As I was throwing myself, packages and all, into that one, it occurred to me that I hadn’t checked to make certain that one was mine, but the odds were in my favor: It was the only other one there and it was certainly dirty enough to be mine.
This brush with car theft is a common theme in my life anymore. I was once in a large parking lot and I had been wandering for a few minutes, searching for my steel-grey car in a sea of steel-gray cars, when to my relief, I found it. I went to the driver’s door and discovered to my astonishment that I had locked it. I know I should always do that, but since I don’t usually, I was standing there, using my best cuss words and digging for my keys in my purse.
I finally located them and then, as I was about to insert the key in the car door lock, I saw the reflection of a man standing right behind me. Whirling around, prepared to defend my honor, I was horrified to hear him say, “Sorry lady, but that’s my car.”
I eventually found my car, but I have often wondered how many times I can do that without ending up behind bars for inadvertent vehicle pinching.
I find it happens more at night, of course, when no matter what the vehicle, they all look alike. Modern conveniences have taken pity on me, however, with the invention of the keyless fob. Now, in addition to starting the car, your fob will actually find it for you. Just press the little button and your vehicle will light up and holler, “Over here, dummy!” You have to be paying attention, though. After a school event one night, I went up to my car and pressed the button to unlock (cause I had actually locked it that time). Nothing happened. I was flabbergasted. I had done everything right, and now my fob wasn’t working. Frantically, I pressed it again and again with the same results.
It finally dawned on me that every time I pressed the fob, and it wasn’t working, a car several more down the line was beeping and lighting up. With the quick wit of Einstein, I concluded I had done it again, but this time, the person pointing out that I was at the wrong car was the car itself. I’m not sure if this is a step forward, or not. All I know is that if I get locked up for car theft, I’m going to need someone to bail me out!
dropsinthewell 