Jackie Wells-Fauth
I have always felt as though I was a voice crying in the wilderness (or whining in the computer store) when it comes to my inability with technology. But, much to my joy, my friend has heard my voice and she sent me an article written by a fellow anti-technology soul that puts a whole new light on this technological world of ours.
David Brooks wrote the article “Why is Technology so Mean to Me?” This man gets me. He understands my struggles and he has put forward a very interesting theory on our computer world: Technology is the devil.
Of course! Why didn’t this occur to me before! All my struggles and all my failures to operate “basic computer programs,” explained away in the simplest of terms. Technology is the creation of the underworld and that is why a good, clean-living Christian like myself can’t handle it. Evil forces have been against me from the start!
My life has been one long list of battles lost to technology. What some people can do with a swipe of their thumb on a phone, I can’t manage if I am sitting before a computer as big as a room. I finally figured out e-mails, but forget attachments. On-line banking? Might as well be an off-shore account in the Caymans because it is just as inaccessible to me.
I stopped taking classes online when I discovered that I wasn’t even able to sign up, let alone operate the so-called “Blackboards” which manage the classes instead of a teacher these days. Obviously, there was a demonic force at work against me or I would have figured out how to “click here to prove I’m not a robot.” Perhaps I would have had better luck getting into the classes if I had just held a simple exorcism beforehand.
And of course, the only explanation for my inability to place an order, trace an order or return an order in online shopping has to be because Satan doesn’t wish me to stay at home. He wants me to drive to the store and do everything in person…as the only one there.
Technology has always been very rough on me. Every time I learn how to use an on-line program, a special flag goes up somewhere in Hell. “Yeah, she’s figured that one out; time to change it—not a lot, just enough to foul her up again.”
Attempting to reason with computers also does not work. When I was still teaching, I named my computer Priscilla and tried everything from begging, praying, reasoning and screaming, to compel Priscilla to do my bidding. If Priscilla was the mistress of Beelzebub, that would explain why nothing I could threaten her with scared her at all.
I thought it might be worthwhile to put this little demon-possessed theory to the test. I sat down at my computer and pulled up something really complicated—my on-line blog account; that would make a good test. I wore a cross and said three prayers before I started, hoping to cleanse the motherboard, or whatever.
I typed in the address of my account. “You have signed out of this account, please close all browsers,” the servants of evil and misrule intoned.
“I did not sign out, I have all the information right here, you daughter of darkness. Now, in the name of all that is holy and good, open my account!” For good measure, I grabbed the metal plaque off the wall in my office that says, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you, oh lord.” As I was bringing it across my work area, it hooked on a corner of the desk and landed on my keyboard, breaking three keys and cutting my finger.
Yup, Mr. Brooks, technology is the devil…and it’s really kind of mean too!
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