Jackie Wells-Fauth
I love reading online humorous blogs. The most humorous articles out there happen to be articles which offer household cleaning tips. These cleaning tips are almost always based on the assumption that I want to ‘clean my household’. Hysterical.
Allow me to share the latest humor in the cleaning world. I came across an article that gave the following tips. To make it convenient, I have posted my response to each one, which I figured was a much better use of my time than to actually…follow them!
The first tip told me to have a household plan. That way, I can use the same routine over and over. My household plan is to let my house accumulate as long as I can before I appear on an episode of “Hoarders”. I am midway through that household plan as we speak.
The second tip was to declutter and organize. As part of this plan, you were to pick up each out of place item and decide to: (a) find it a permanent spot, (b) donate it to a local charity, or (c) discard. Items in my house seldom have a permanent spot (unless they are stuck down with something I can’t identify) and no self-respecting charity would take the garbage I find. That means I choose (c) where I just rev up the bulldozer and shove it all out the back window.
Tip number 3: Gather all your cleaning supplies. What cleaning supplies? They did suggest the possibility of “do it yourself” construction or mixing of cleaning supplies—In fact, the last “do it yourself” thing I constructed around the house was a piece of plywood connected to my favorite television chair, so I could have dinner without spilling too much in my lap!
I am advised to clean my house from top to bottom. As part of this rather ambitious tip, I am advised to start by making sure the ceiling fans are all turned off. I must stop laughing at this long enough to admit that this, is indeed, good advice. Speaking as one who once swung a broom up over my shoulder, where it connected with a running ceiling fan, I believe this is a sound tip.
Clean up stray pet hair. And this tip kept referring to it as “stray” pet hair, like there might just be a few strands. Please, there is so much pet hair in my house that it makes up 50 percent of the composition of some of my chairs and rugs and no matter what I have tried, it cannot be induced to “stray its little self” out of my house.
Use the vacuum cleaner to its full potential. What does this even mean? When did vacuum cleaners achieve potential and who out there is not taking full advantage of their vacuum cleaner? It is philosophical questions like this that keep me awake at night.
Wipe mirrors and glass. This is great advice, because what else would we do to mirrors and glass? Certainly, shooting macaroni and cheese at them wouldn’t improve their appearance; believe me, I’ve accidentally tried that!
Keep bathrooms especially clean. Use disinfectant cleaners on all countertops. Clean grout with specific tools. I was with them until the bit about cleaning the grout. The only tool I would use on grout on a bathroom tile is a chisel to get it out of there!
Always sweep, then mop. If you don’t mind changing dirty mop water fifty times, you can skip that whole sweep thing. Otherwise, what would you do besides sweep and then mop?
Remove food and drink stains from furniture. I have never met a chair or a couch that could resist the kinds of food and drink stains that I cause and once they are on the furniture, there is no removing them. The best I can hope for is that they look like a part of the design.
By now, I’m sure that none of you out there is anxious to visit my house, but actually things around here are not so bad. After I’ve laughed myself sick over the cleaning tips articles, I proceed to my own method: Run through the house with a large black trash bag, throwing in anything within reach, close the bag and put it with the others in the garage and wait for your turn on “Hoarders”!
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