Jackie Wells-Fauth
This week, I indulged myself with a little back surgery. I say indulged myself because I really needed some help in that area and so far, I am glad I did it. I knew there would be benefits in lessening my pain, but what I didn’t realize is what an educational time the recovery would be.
I learned a lot of things, starting with the fact that after you have back surgery there is no comfortable way to sit. Additionally, there is no comfortable way to stand or lay down. But don’t worry, you will have a back brace, a form of torture so refined, they still haven’t found all the ways it can break a person down until they promise to tell you anything you want, as long as you get that hot, bumpy thing off of them!
Some things I learned were just reminders. Like the Murphy’s Law which states that you will not wish to clean your house when you are capable of it, but the minute you are incapacitated, it becomes essential. The house is filthy (as it has been for months) and you must have it clean right now; scrub the kitchen floor someone, and clear away that stack of newspapers and magazines that has been piling up for a year and for the love of all that is holy, wipe that smear off the living room window before staring at it drives me insane—further insane.
I received an important object lesson in using a public toilet. You know those toilet seat liners that are supposed to be a handy aid to reducing germs? Well, I learned that I can’t open them up, figure out how to place them on the seat and sit down fast enough to prevent the automatic toilet from flushing—thus gobbling them up! I finally stuck the third one to my posterior as best I could and sat down. The toilet flushed, pulling the toilet seat cover down with it. I would have been as well off with a Sears catalog in an outhouse!
Continuing on the journey of discovery: I am too old to learn new body maneuvers. I was instructed to lie on the edge of the bed, tense up my body muscles and “log roll” to wherever I wanted to end up in the bed. I discovered that I am not a lumberjack and there is no way this particular “log” was going to roll anywhere! After five tries and various curse words along the way, I slept in the recliner the first few nights, which didn’t require a log roll. Finally, I resolved to sleep in bed. I positioned myself as the log, tried to do the roll and ended up cross corner at the foot of one side of the bed. I congratulated myself on getting right where I wanted to be and slept that night teetering on the corner of the bed. “Log roll,” my eye!
On an interesting note, I learned that if I want a new stove, all I have to do is have Roy cook for three days on the clunky old one I’ve had for ten years. He didn’t much care for the cooking quirks that the old stove threw at him and now it looks like a new one is on the horizon. As a side point, Roy will be operating a variety of household appliances for the near future, so I expect we will be going on a big ole buying binge this month!
I discovered that we CAN go to the grocery store together without getting a divorce, but it is best to have the argument over the shopping list before we get there! I learned that while Roy is in charge of laundry, I can expect everything to be hung on the clothesline instead of going through the dryer. While this is economical, it means my sheets, towels and underwear will have all the softness of a Brillo pad! I see no way out of this one for the time being so forgive me if I have to stop and scratch; my outfit is a little prickly!
I have learned a lot of things this week, but I think Roy has learned a thing or two as well. After he cleaned the bathroom, he shook his head and said, “Boy, cleaning in and around everything is rough.”
“Yes, I know,” I said, trying to move past him into the room.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m going to use the bathroom,” I answered.
“What, now? After I just cleaned it?” See, now Roy knows how much fun maintaining a clean bathroom is! For the record, Roy has been a wonderful, invaluable help through this. I say this first, because it is true, and second, because I don’t want him quitting the job anytime soon
dropsinthewell 