dropsinthewell

Jackie Wells-Fauth

The seasons have rotated at our house, as they do every year. Oh, I don’t mean we’ve moved from winter to spring; no, no. At our house, we rotate from tax season to marriage reality season. And sometimes the adjustment to having the other partner around much more can be tough on us both.

Being married to an accountant, I have always known that tax season can be rough. It is Roy’s season to shine, but it requires quite as many hours in the day as a farmer at the height of harvest. And since it lasts for several months, I have a tendency to slip into a somewhat slip-shod, self-centered, single mode of living.

During tax season, laundry only has to be kept up so there is a reasonable amount of underwear and clean dress clothes available. No need to wash all those pesky everyday clothes, since they are not likely to be used right now. They accumulate in a pile behind the washer and Roy is too busy wearing business clothes to the office to notice.

 And during tax season, it is possible to be very lax on what passes for a meal—it’s consumed so fast and in such a state of distraction, that I believe I could serve peanut butter sandwiches and Milk of Magnesia and it wouldn’t cause comment—at least until the Milk of Magnesia kicked in!

I get very used to my television during tax season as well. I adore my re-runs of Monk and Murder, She Wrote and every feel good, snot-inducing, sentimental overload movie there is. And there is no one in the house (who is awake) to make gagging noises and rudely mock the main characters (Roy does an imitation of Jessica Fletcher which would be amusing if it weren’t so annoying). But during tax season, Jessica finds the killers without the running, derisive commentary from the accountant.

Tax season, however, has faded into the season, which I like to call marriage reality season. This is where we remember that there are two of us in the house and our views on living with another human being don’t always jive. Take the other night; I really wish someone would!

Roy came home all excited. “I’m going to fix that water head in the toilet and hang the new curtain in the kitchen, but before that, I’m going to go out and mow and fertilize the lawn.”

“Maybe you should pace yourself,” I respond. “You don’t want to run out of fun too quickly.”

“I am ready for something besides taxes,” he says, rubbing his hands together as he stands before the dresser, searching through the clothes. “Where is my green plaid shirt? You know, the one I wore when I spackled the basement? I want to use that to work in the bathroom.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s clean,” I remark, kicking it further into the pile behind the washer.

“But I spackled the basement last fall,” he protests.

“Exactly, what was the rush? And while we’re at it, the kitchen and the bathroom are none too clean right now. I was meaning to get at that this month, but I was distracted.”

“By the frozen pizza we’re having for supper?” he said, checking the oven.  I think he was trying to make some point there, but I refused to get it. So, he became more direct. “There’s a lot of hamburger in the refrigerator, maybe you should use that up first?”

“I had a busy day,” is my excuse. “And I don’t need you to be a back-seat driver when I’m cooking.”

“Jessica Fletcher and Monk too busy repeating their accomplishments finding the criminals?” he asked, adding sarcastically, “Or maybe you spent the day using up kleenix over the Hallmark channel. By the way, the timer’s going off on the pizza. Looks like a gourmet meal tonight.”

When I next went into the living room, he was not watching Murder, She Wrote, or Columbo. No sir, he was flipping the television back and forth between the Timberwolves, who are just getting ready to wrap up their basketball season and the Twins, who are just getting started on the baseball grind. Nothing in anything he was watching made me think, “Aww, what a fun evening of television we have ahead!”

Yes, indeed, the seasons march forward. And when I am in the midst of marriage reality season, cooking actual meals and washing all of the clothes every week, to the background sounds of a Twins game gone wrong, I always wonder, “What was it about tax season I didn’t like, again?”

Jackie Wells-Fauth

In the springtime of my marriage, I allowed things to happen that wouldn’t happen today in that same marriage. Mostly I am thinking of the fact that I used to take warm showers and my very young husband thought it was funny to throw a cup of cold water over the top of the door just to listen to me squeal. I didn’t appreciate it and it finally stopped after I explained the particular set of skills I possess that could make his death look like an accident.

It is somewhat ironic then that 40 years into the marriage I am looking at a fad that reminds me a great deal of those very early days of wedded bliss. Now, it has never been a habit of mine to chase after every fad that comes out in this life. I have not made a tic toc video or dyed my hair some unique shade of purple or tried the latest food craze in sushi. In fact, I am probably the person least likely to hear about a new exercise and jump right in to try it.

That’s why my obsession with cold showers (not provided by Roy) surprises even me. I first heard about it on my way home from work when a fellow on the radio was going on and on:

“So, if you want to really feel good and get rid of all of your minor aches and pains, just turn the shower to cold for the last 30 seconds to two minutes. Doctors recommend it and so do I. It will make a new man out of you.”

Now, I have no desire to be a new man and I had no intention of trying the cold rain treatment until I came home and discovered that neurologists were actually recommending it. Well? Was I brave enough to try it? I was pretty sure not.

Then came the night my leg was paining so badly that I finally decided, “What have I got to lose? It’s either do this or cut it off!” I was to remember that choice with fondness later.

My shower was not even enjoyable because of what I intended to do at the end. It’s a little like trying to enjoy your last meal, even when you know the electric chair awaits. I just couldn’t relax and have a nice shower. But, the throbbing leg kept taunting me, “I’m here with you for always. We both know you’re not going to hit me with a cold shower!”

Holding my breath and forcing myself with both hands, I cranked the shower to cold. I started screaming like a banshee…and that was only when a cold spray hit me. Gritting my teeth and stepping forward, I let the cold water hit my nice clean, warm skin and I directed the full wrath of that artic rain on the leg causing me troubles! That would teach it to complain!

The man who described this water torture on the radio said the recommended time was 30 seconds to two minutes, but “if you can stand it for 30 seconds, you can make it to two minutes, no problem!”

I beg to differ. If I could stand it for 30 seconds, that would be the end. I kept sticking a body part under the spray and then jerking back out. That was the coldest of all cold rains! I have read that some people – athletes in particular—take ice baths on purpose. Good for them. I spent 30 bone chilling seconds under that blast and I was a freezing, teeth-chattering, ice queen and I had no plans to go back for more. That was it, I promised myself as I stood by the bathroom heater in mid-July. Two minutes under that icy waterfall and I would have been a popsicle. Let me out of here!

And then an odd thing happened: my leg started to feel better. How could that be in the thirty seconds I had spent in the Alaskan tundra? At first, I was sure I was imagining it, but no—that leg actually felt better.

This was not good news! If it really worked, then I was going to have to do it some more and I had planned to retire my cold shower routine after its maiden voyage. Now, I might have to seriously use the method?

Thus has begun what I like to call my shower screaming years. Roy was upset. He was more than willing to throw the cold water on me if that’s all that was needed. And he wanted credit for trying to “help” me with cold water sprays years ago.

My showers are never quiet and sweet. I take a reasonable shower for the majority of the time, but when I hit that two minute mark at the end, on comes the cold water and out slips some of the foulest language I ever learned in a bar down by the river. Is it for everyone? Definitely not, but if you have a partner who thinks throwing cold water into your shower is funny, you might want to stop and assess the results before you offer to waterboard them with their own towel!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I have always felt as though I was a voice crying in the wilderness (or whining in the computer store) when it comes to my inability with technology. But, much to my joy, my friend has heard my voice and she sent me an article written by a fellow anti-technology soul that puts a whole new light on this technological world of ours.

David Brooks wrote the article “Why is Technology so Mean to Me?” This man gets me. He understands my struggles and he has put forward a very interesting theory on our computer world: Technology is the devil.

Of course! Why didn’t this occur to me before! All my struggles and all my failures to operate “basic computer programs,” explained away in the simplest of terms. Technology is the creation of the underworld and that is why a good, clean-living Christian like myself can’t handle it. Evil forces have been against me from the start!

My life has been one long list of battles lost to technology. What some people can do with a swipe of their thumb on a phone, I can’t manage if I am  sitting before a computer as big as a room. I finally figured out e-mails, but forget attachments. On-line banking? Might as well be an off-shore account in the Caymans because it is just as inaccessible to me.

I stopped taking classes online when I discovered that I wasn’t even able to sign up, let alone operate the so-called “Blackboards” which manage the classes instead of a teacher these days. Obviously, there was a demonic force at work against me or I would have figured out how to “click here to prove I’m not a robot.” Perhaps I would have had better luck getting into the classes if I had just held a simple exorcism beforehand.

And of course, the only explanation for my inability to place an order, trace an order or return an order in online shopping has to be because Satan doesn’t wish me to stay at home. He wants me to drive to the store and do everything in person…as the only one there.

Technology has always been very rough on me. Every time I learn how to use an on-line program, a special flag goes up somewhere in Hell. “Yeah, she’s figured that one out; time to change it—not a lot, just enough to foul her up again.”

Attempting to reason with computers also does not work. When I was still teaching, I named my computer Priscilla and tried everything from begging, praying, reasoning and screaming, to compel Priscilla to do my bidding. If Priscilla was the mistress of Beelzebub, that would explain why nothing I could threaten her with scared her at all.

I thought it might be worthwhile to put this little demon-possessed theory to the test. I sat down at my computer and pulled up something really complicated—my on-line blog account; that would make a good test. I wore a cross and said three prayers before I started, hoping to cleanse the motherboard, or whatever.

I typed in the address of my account. “You have signed out of this account, please close all browsers,” the servants of evil and misrule intoned.

“I did not sign out, I have all the information right here, you daughter of darkness. Now, in the name of all that is holy and good, open my account!” For good measure, I grabbed the metal plaque off the wall in my office that says, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you, oh lord.” As I was bringing it across my work area, it hooked on a corner of the desk and landed on my keyboard, breaking three keys and cutting my finger.

Yup, Mr. Brooks, technology is the devil…and it’s really kind of mean too!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I have always avoided doctors when possible, especially when they wanted to cut into me. This has been a strict policy which has been harder to stick to the older I get. It seems like every time I consult with the doctor these days, they want to pull out the knives (they call them scalpels, just to throw you off) and correct issues, many of which have been long neglected.

I encountered this recently when a skin growth turned out to have some cancer on it. After that was removed, it was decided that all of my skin should be checked. If you have ever had this done, then you know any remaining mystery on your body is over; there are no secrets left once this examination is complete. This is both a relief and a discomfort.

It was determined that I had two places where I had the beginnings of skin cancer and therefore, they needed to be removed. One was beside my eye and the other on my chest bone. The doctor informed me that these are due to a lack of coverage from the sun.

Now, this was hard for me, because most of my life, I have fought diligently to keep myself covered. The reason, of course, is because I am a redhead and redheads do not tan. We either remain as white as Dracula in candlelight or we burn like a lobster in boiling water!

Covering up in the sun presents problems. Large, shady hats are really very helpful or perhaps even an umbrella would be nice. In South Dakota, however, the fate of most large, shady hats and umbrellas is annihilation with the first gentle “breeze” that comes along. I have been slapped in the face by many a hat brim and had many an umbrella lose its life to a gust of enthusiastic wind. In every case, it failed to protect my face.

As for my chest, I admit, light shirts in the summer are usually scoop-necked and not inclined to remind me that my chest skin is then exposed to the unforgiving rays of the sun—until it’s too late and I have fried like a fish in hot oil. The fact that these two areas are where the skin cancer is tells me that all those years of covering up in the summer like a Ninja on assassination assignment probably helped the rest of me, but I still have my Achilles heel—or two!

That leads to going “under the knife” to get rid of the offending spots. To make it more fun, I have to do them on two separate occasions, but this week, I finally got the chest infection removed. It reminded me of the dentist’s office in that you sit in a chair and they are working over you. The difference, I found, was that I was able to respond to conversation on this occasion because the equipment was on my chest, not in my mouth.

They worked up close, which made me regret the garlic I had with lunch and made me wish I could stop the burping and gurgling noises my stomach was making. I waited, fatalistically, for someone to say, “Oops” and while I never heard that, I heard, “Boy, you bleed well,” a couple of times. I gave them my standard reply: “Everyone has to have a hobby.”

Once she was done, she put a bandage on it, announcing, “This bandage is way more bad-ass than it needs to be.” Upon reflection, however, I decided I liked bad ass. So, for the rest of the day, every time I noticed someone looking at my bandage, I volunteered, “I was in a knife fight in a bar downtown. I won.”

Since the doctor tells me that anything beyond a 30 in sunscreen is just showing off and not worth it, I suppose I’ll be back to buying wide-brimmed hats and umbrellas and praying for calm days in South Dakota. In the meantime, I go back under the knife for the second spot on my face—wonder what story I can come up with for that!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

In my defense, what I’m about to tell you is something that many people have experienced. I just seem to manage to mess it up more than other people would. I’m speaking of course, of my wild flirt with going to jail for car theft.

I blame the manufacturers of today’s cars. It would be so much better if they didn’t make them all look alike and then stir up a giant vat of paint and paint them all the same color!

I have always had difficulty with finding my car in a parking lot. I comforted myself with the idea that  this was only true if we were in a large parking lot, but this past week, I discovered that I would probably be able to lose my car if it was parked on the street outside my house!

I was in a hurry and I stopped at a small local store for several items. Coming out of the store, I registered that there were only two cars in the small lot, looking very similar. That was okay, mine was the nearer one. I whipped open the back door and arranged my packages on the back seat, having to move over a box on the seat to make room. Then I started to climb in the front. Just as I was arranging myself, it suddenly occurred to me: Box? I didn’t have a box in the back seat! I also didn’t have a hairbrush and a magazine on the front seat beside me, but there they were.

Moving as fast as my old legs would carry me,  I hauled my butt out of the front seat and then snatched my bags out of the back, trying to rearrange the box in the best approximation I could of what it was before I tried to steal the car.

I was then considering whether to wipe my fingerprints off the car and trying to remember where the one place is that crooks never wipe down (according to Monk, Columbo and Jessica Fletcher) when out of the corner of my eye, I saw another person coming out of the store. Assuming all the panache of a water buffalo leaving the mudhole, I jumped to the other car. As I was throwing myself, packages and all, into that one, it occurred to me that I hadn’t checked to make certain that one was mine, but the odds were in my favor: It was the only other one there and it was certainly dirty enough to be mine.

This brush with car theft is a common theme in my life anymore. I was once in a large parking lot and I had been wandering for a few minutes, searching for my steel-grey car in a sea of steel-gray cars, when to my relief, I found it. I went to the driver’s door and discovered to my astonishment that I had locked it. I know I should always do that, but since I don’t usually, I was standing there, using my best cuss words and digging for my keys in my purse.

I finally located them and then, as I was about to insert the key in the car door lock, I saw the reflection of a man standing right behind me. Whirling around, prepared to defend my honor, I was horrified to hear him say, “Sorry lady, but that’s my car.”

I eventually found my car, but I have often wondered how many times I can do that without ending up behind bars for inadvertent vehicle pinching.

I find it happens more at night, of course, when no matter what the vehicle, they all look alike. Modern conveniences have taken pity on me, however, with the invention of the keyless fob. Now, in addition to starting the car, your fob will actually find it for you. Just press the little button and your vehicle will light up and holler, “Over here, dummy!” You have to be paying attention, though. After a school event one night, I went up to my car and pressed the button to unlock (cause I had actually locked it that time). Nothing happened. I was flabbergasted. I had done everything right, and now my fob wasn’t working. Frantically, I pressed it again and again with the same results.

It finally dawned on me that every time I pressed the fob, and it wasn’t working, a car several more down the line was beeping and lighting up. With the quick wit of Einstein, I concluded I had done it again, but this time, the person pointing out that I was at the wrong car was the car itself. I’m not sure if this is a step forward, or not. All I know is that if I get locked up for car theft, I’m going to need someone to bail me out!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

The big day

Jackie Wells-Fauth

Roy came home from work on Monday and hesitated as he came in the house. I knew what he was seeing out there, but I decided to let him bring it up.

“Uh, I see the garbage is pretty full,” he began.

“Yup,” I wasn’t going to help.

“It had hardly anything in it yesterday,” he hinted.

Okay, time to let him have all the facts. “That’s because today was “The Day.”

“Ohhhhh, today was “The Day,” he replied in a knowing voice, adding, “Okay, what is “The Day?”

“The day I cleaned the refrigerator,” I answered, swinging the door open to display its now wide-open spaces.

“And you found a dead body in there and so you stuffed it in the garbage?” He was not suitably impressed.

“You’re the one who has been complaining that the refrigerator needed cleaning.” I was expecting more validation than I was getting.

“That’s because stuff in there was reaching out and grabbing me and it smelled funny,” he explained.

“Well, it’s clean now, so don’t complain about the extra garbage. There were several things in there that were unidentifiable and there were the usual leftovers that were really left over. Also, there were the bottles of a little bit of fermented orange juice and apple juice.”

“It looks like there might be something still in between the glass and lettuce holders,” he said, pointing to some marks.

“There is, but I couldn’t get the glass unstuck from the frame, so I left it,” I explained logically.

“Well, why couldn’t you get it loose?” He was incredulous and moved as though to knock it loose.

“Don’t do that!” I exclaimed. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time we tried to get glass loose from the plastic frame?”

A look of remembrance came over his face. “The glass shattered, and replacing it cost as much as a new refrigerator.”

“And when we had it replaced, the whole refrigerator died within the month. I think the shock of being cleaned did it, so I don’t have a lot of hope for this one surviving, but you have to live a little.”

By now, his interest in the refrigerator was over. “How did you cut your forehead?” he asked, noticing the bandage on my head.

“Oh, I was shaking the refrigerator, trying to get the glass loose and a package of the dog treats you keep on the top fell down and cut me,” I answered, trying to make that somehow his fault.

He didn’t take the bait. “Well, from the looks of things, you need to make “The Day” more frequent than an annual event,” he suggested.

“Perhaps, but you could be a bigger help, you know,” I had more to say. “In the contents of that garbage can there are no less than four bottles of expired dill pickles and a half used tube of caulking.”

“And your point?” he said, crossing his arms defensively.

“I never buy dill pickles and the last time I caulked anything I was still in high school. I may not be the only one making “The Day” necessary.” Then I walked away. I had made my point and he was the one who would have to carry the “body” in the garbage can to the street for removal! Another celebration of “The Day” completed!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I’m exceptionally happy to be talking to you today from my own office at my own desk. There was a brief time yesterday when I thought today, I would be wearing orange and consuming prison food; wondering if I could get one of my relatives to bail me out of airport prison. But, I should begin at the beginning.

I spent a wonderful weekend with my family and especially my aunt as we helped her to celebrate her 90th birthday. I had to fly to Denver and any flight always makes me nervous. Part of this anxiety comes from the airport security process. I know why this is necessary, but I never like to think they might be suspicious of me.

The Denver airport has a wonderful security system, and they endeavor to be as quick and efficient as possible. The first hurdle is to allow them to insert your driver’s license in a machine that immediately takes your picture for comparison. The machine decides whether the horrible driver’s license picture matches the horrible picture of you traveling that day. I felt somewhat judged by a piece of equipment that couldn’t even laugh at my picture.

However, this turned out to be the least of my worries. I was directed to the conveyor belt and instructed to put all my belongings, and any of my clothing that they perceived to be a possible weapon, in a large tray.  While they were thus X-raying my belongings, I was instructed to step into a large machine, hold my arms in an awkward way and be X-rayed myself. While I was in that line, I was having a small chuckle at the flustered fellow ahead of me who had been stopped for further inspection.

Imagine my chagrin then, when I looked for my belongings, and discovered that they were on the other side of a glass wall, and I had been selected for further search. I was astounded. What could they have found in the boring, innocuous things that I had put in that tray, that caused them to look further? When the gentleman indicated that I should step forward and he pulled up my tray, his first question was, “Madam, do you have any sharp objects or knives in your luggage?”

I was speechless, which is odd for me. The last knife I had seen had been one of those plastic ones at my aunt’s party. That wouldn’t even cut the cake!  Dumbfounded, I just shook my head.

“Well it looks here like you have some knives in your purse,” he said, looking at the x-ray.

Then I panicked. This man was going to search my purse! As he put on the blue gloves, all I could think was, “Oh, please don’t search my purse! I haven’t cleaned it myself in ten years, who knows what junk is in there!  I’m standing out here in front of God and everyone and you’re going to search it. Go through the pockets of my jacket, take my cane apart, inspect my shoes, but please don’t empty my purse here.”

Of course, you don’t lip off to a security officer, so I kept my mouth shut while he pulled out my packet of pandemic wipes that were long since dry, a dozen crumbled old receipts and a couple of used tissues. Soon, he had the whole thing laying out there and even I was a little astonished at what was found. No weapons, though. “Madam are there any other compartments?”

Now that he has emptied “the black hole” all over the counter right down to the $0.47 in loose change, two loose breath mints and a used cough drop? I pointed to the sleeve in the front of the bag, and made my first smart remark, “There’s a spot where my phone is, but I don’t think I could stab anyone with a cellular device.”

He was not amused. He pulled out the phone and then he pulled out a black and gold lanyard with a bunch of keys attached. Then he pulled out a bright green lanyard with a bunch of keys attached. Yeah, I should have left those home.  I felt the need to explain, “Oh, those are the keys to the two schools where I work. Please don’t take that fob, I just learned how to use it.”

By this time, I think he had gotten the idea that he wasn’t dealing with Bonnie Parker or the Unabomber, just a woman, carrying too many keys. He dropped the keys back into the pile, and said, “OK, clean your things out of the tray and move along.” It only took me ten minutes to pick it all up.

I know that it is important for airline security to maintain a safe environment. But while I was standing there, in my stocking feet, scraping everything from my purse back into it, I wasn’t sure that I was as appreciative of their diligence as I should have been!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

My grandsons came this week. The first thing the 11-year-old
did was empty one of my smaller cupboards and climb in and shut the door. The
13-year-old enclosed himself in a box which didn’t leave a lot of room for him.
This leads me to a sad but indisputable conclusion: these children are not
related to me.

I have suffered with a rather debilitating fear of close
places and crowded rooms for all of the life I can remember. I have accused my
two older sisters of locking me in a dark closet or a tight space in the house
attic, causing this horrible fear of small places. They deny any complicity in
this phobia of mine, but it had to come from somewhere; right?

I remember my grandmother asking me to squeeze into a small
corner in her attic to retrieve something. “I can’t,” I apologized, “I’m too
afraid of small spaces.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, adding, “I’ve got a little
bit of claustrophobia myself.”

Claustrophobia. Being afraid of being shut in a box with
someone sitting on the lid has a name! And a fancy one! From that point
forward, I was set. I can’t be in close places; I am claustrophobic! And what’s
more, it’s an inherited condition! I was so self-important with it, I figure
every time I came out with, “I’m claustrophobic, you know,” somebody would like
to have shoved me into a small space and walled me up!

But living day-to-day with claustrophobia can be a little
problematic. I was sitting in the living room of my house one extremely warm
day and my husband walked in. He looked at the curtains, blowing in the warm
air from the open windows and then he looked at me, sitting in the chair,
wearing less than a nudist at a clam bake and said, “Why don’t you turn on the
air conditioning?”

“Because I would have to shut up the house and it makes me
feel squeezed in. I’m claustrophobic, you know, just like my grandmother.”

“All I really know is that in November, you’re going to be a
mighty cold claustrophobic,” he said, shutting windows and flipping on the air.

I never shut the door when I use the bathroom at home and by
the time I have locked myself into one of those little stalls in a public
bathroom, I’m breathing so hard and whimpering so loud, I’m sure people in
other stalls are wondering if I’m giving birth in there or something!

The rug beside my shower is very damp all of the time
because there is no way I can shut myself completely in a little space that
resembles an upright coffin and allow water to pour on me. I at least have to
have a crack in the door so I can see the outside world.

Even my students knew about the claustrophobia. I always
left the classroom door open to the hall and with my loud voice, I’m sure the
teachers in neighboring rooms suffered more from my claustrophobia than I did.
On the rare occasions when I shut the door, I got so worked up and “itchy” as
the students called it, that they would, without permission or instruction, go
and open the door. Ah! That air, smelling of damp winter clothes and incomplete
hygiene, flowing in my room! What bliss!

I never go in caves. The one time I tried, I got as far as
the ladder that would take me down a small hole into the cave. Then, with my
shoulders touching either side of the opening, I suddenly remembered that I had
claustrophobia. I looked up at the lady about to start down the ladder on top
of me and said, “You have two choices: Let me back up out of here, or watch a
meltdown that will make Chernobyl look like child’s play.” I’m sure she
concluded she was dealing with a madwoman, because she mercifully chose the
first option and let me out.  My husband,
unsurprised by my defection, had only one question when he returned from his
completion of the whole cave tour: “Did you get a refund of your ticket?”  My reply: “I don’t think they reward cowardice with a refund.”

So, you can see why I believe those two boys purporting to
be my grandsons can’t actually be related to me. They can close themselves into
spaces which make coffins look big, and I’m claustrophobic. And it’s an
inherited trait, you know!

 

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I had a terrible night’s sleep last night and you have to believe me when I tell you that it was all Kitty Howard’s fault. But I may be getting ahead of myself. Before I can tell you more about my restless night, I am afraid I must digress a little. Everyone knows (I think) that I am addicted to history. It was my college major and I am unable to resist anything that pertains to it.

That’s why I was drawn to a book about Henry VIII. I have studied the life of the English Tudor King Henry VIII for many years. The man was an absolute monster, but he managed to completely renovate the religious structure of his world and at the same time, go through wives like they were toilet paper in the pandemic. He ended with no less than six and rumor has it he was looking around for number seven when he died.

This latest book on him that I couldn’t resist was the story of his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves—noteworthy because she actually survived the terrifying monster, his fifth wife, Katherine (known as Kitty) Howard—noteworthy because she didn’t make it out alive, and Jane Boleyn, the unfortunate lady-in-waiting who served them both.

If this is too much history, I apologize, but if you bear with me a little longer, I can prove that this history is directly related to my terrible night’s sleep.

Now, the book I was reading focused on Kitty, who was executed at the delicate age of 16 by her bombastic and dangerous husband who had reached the great age–of the time–of 50. She was beheaded, a dreadful way to go, along with Thomas Culpepper, her foolish lover and Jane Boleyn, the equally foolish lady who assisted them in their incredibly foolish love affair, while the ex-fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, contemplated her own narrow escape.

Now, for my night’s lack of sleep. The author of the story was an excellent, well-informed and highly graphic writer. Her account was detailed and riveting and I absolutely could not put it down. So, last night, I read to the last page and the final ax fall, and it was very late when I went to bed with this sad and horrible tale on my mind.

I was distraught over the description of Kitty, grasping at people with frantic hands as she was dragged to the Tower. There was also a description of the gruesome spectacle of Thomas Culpepper’s head on a pike on Tower Bridge. I was squeamish over the description of Jane Boleyn, forced to put her hands in pools of Kitty Howard’s blood as she followed her to the execution block. I was tensed up by the nerves of Anne of Cleves as she sweated buckets, afraid Henry would take her down too, just for spite.

Needless to say, I was not prepared for a restful night and for a long time, I just tossed and turned. At one point, I threw an arm across my body and over the edge of the bed. To my horror, there was Kitty’s pathetic hand, reaching up to grasp mine. Before I could leap, screaming from the bed, I realized that the hand grasping mine was just my own, other hand.

Feeling very foolish, I settled back down, but I couldn’t seem to get the ideas of that story out of my mind. I lay there, asking myself such soothing questions as, “What would it be like to be married to a man forty-five years older than you who had terrible hygiene and the ability to kill you on a whim?”

Surprisingly this was not soothing to go to sleep with and while I was thinking about it, I glanced over to the blinds on the windows and real horror! There was a roundish shadow on the outside of the blinds about the size of a human head! Thomas Culpepper! I reached over to turn on the lamp, and put my hands in a pool of Kitty Howard’s blood!

Too choked to even scream, I finally found the lamp switch and got the light on. The “pool of blood” I had put my hand in was water leaking from my water bottle. When I got the nerve to look out the window, the “head on a pike” was a shadow caused by the neighbor’s yard light. I shut off the light and lay back down, wishing devoutly that Henry VIII, nearly in his dotage, hadn’t married a child, or that Kitty Howard had given Thomas Culpepper a cold shoulder instead of a warm bed.

In the future, I’ve decided I am going to watch a little television to relax at night—a soothing movie like “Psycho” or “It”—something less scary than Tudor Henry and his tragic child bride!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I have lived my whole life knowing that one and one equals two. I even know the mathematical formula for that: 1 + 1 = 2. You have just experienced the sum total (forgive the pun) of my mathematical knowledge.

I went through 12 years of school and four years of college and I still have to take off my shoes to add up my grocery bill. I wasn’t in too bad a shape in elementary school. Back there, they usually left all numbers in math problems and the world was right with me. Then, I got into high school and they started substituting letters for numbers and writing these “formulas,” which looked something like this: r=2xf (6 squared +  10) to the fourth degree written over 9 pie (2×0). I would look at that formula and my best reaction would be: how the heck did “r” get from the alphabet to math hell????

A benevolent high school math teacher got me through high school and my math-savvy sister got me through simple college classes, but for both of them, they should get credit for leading the blind, because I stumbled through and retained none of it.

Worst of all was when logic problems came into college math. I am the least logical person I know and those logic problems were the equivalent of five days on a torture rack and then burning at the stake. If inability at logic were a capital offense, I’d be the first one led up to the guillotine! On a test, the question was: “State a problem and the logical conclusion.” My answer? “I am unable to understand logic. Therefore, logically, I cannot answer this question correctly.” The teacher’s response: “Nice try, 0 points.” I wasn’t too unhappy—he actually thought I was trying!

As a teacher (of English) my math inability has been somewhat of an embarrassment. Students in study hall will ask for help in math and my best reply is, “Uh…I wonder what the math teacher is doing right now. Here is a pass to go and see.”

Teachers are given the opportunity to take tickets at ball games and run concession stands. I volunteered enthusiastically for the ticket taking because I could bring my husband, the accountant, whose brain is a calculator, with me. Then came the night he wasn’t able to make it to the game and I took tickets alone. It doesn’t make the parents of your students very comfortable when you have to add up four tickets—two student and two adult—by writing it down on a piece of paper. Then, after you have come up with a reasonable price, they hand you a twenty-dollar bill and suddenly, in front of God and everyone, you have to make change! It was not a pretty sight–me, counting three different times to get the change correct and finally handing back the twenty and muttering, “Never mind, it’s free for you tonight.”

Concession stands were no better. If people would have just ordered a popcorn, I could handle collecting fifty cents. But, NO, people also wanted pop and nachos and candy bars and all kinds of other things. The night I decided concession stands weren’t for me was the night I kept telling the students working with me, “Stop talking to me! I’m trying to add up this food bill without paper, pencil or my toes, and I swear, if they pay for it with a twenty-dollar bill, my head will explode!”

The sad fact is that my math abilities are dismal and what’s even worse, I have come to accept it. If I see a math formula or a column of numbers, my eyes glaze over and there is a strange buzzing in my head. So for all of you out there, struggling with math, don’t be like me. Get a tutor, take an extra class or just practice numbers in your head. And whatever you do, if you see me in the concession stand, go to somebody else!