dropsinthewell

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I am about to make a confession which I know will make me unpopular among many of my friends and family. But here it goes: I am not a “dog person”. I am also not a “cat person”. In fact, I am not a “gerbil, goldfish, house pig or any other pet animal you can name…person.”

Having said that, I must then tell you that we have both a cat and a dog. We have had several cats over the years, mostly by accident, but the dog, a hunting Golden Retriever, was definitely on purpose. That dog walked in the door, we looked at one another and I said, “To be clear on this, I don’t hunt, and I don’t like dogs, but if you stay out of my way, I won’t accidentally lose your dog treats.”

The dog has learned the fine art of annoying the lady of the house without pushing things too far. It helps that her master is very much a “dog person” and in addition to that, he loves to hunt, and she is good at that.

“Look what that stupid dog did,” I come out to the deck where Roy is sitting petting the dog.

“Now what?” He’s heard this whining all too often.

“She chewed up more of my socks!” I hold up a sock with large holes in the side. “How come she always goes after my socks?”

“That’s because she likes the taste of rancid foot odor and also, I hide my socks,” he answered, while the dog relaxed, knowing she was being defended and undoubtedly planning to chew up my slippers next.

So, the dog is pretty comfortable in life and knows that she is the top (another name for a female dog) in the house and I rank second by the same name.

I did not pass this distaste for animals on to my children. My older daughter has two cats and a dog, and my younger daughter has two cats, all of which are just an extension of the grandchildren. Whenever my dog and cat see my daughters and families, they run for them, knowing they are about to be pampered, at least for the duration of the visit.

My older daughter has kept my dog on several occasions, so when they recently decided that their dog would not be comfortable on their camping trip, they asked if we would keep Cora (their dog) for a week or so. Of course we would be happy to, but I always envision Cora’s reaction, while my daughter was on the phone, asking us to dog sit.

“Yes, we would be so grateful if Cora could come to your house for a week,” she would be saying, while Cora was sitting on the floor beside her (or more likely in her lap) looking totally horrified.

When Cora walked in the door, Josie (our dog) stood looking at her for a long time. I know Josie was thinking, “I wonder what this dog did to be condemned to doggie prison.”

Cora has adjusted quite well to the fact that I won’t let her sit in my chair or on my lap. She hangs out with Roy a lot, instinctively recognizing an authentic dog person, but since Josie is kind of territorial, she has to share Roy, which is hard for her–the queen of dogs at her own house. She has no little boys or loving adults to share her days with, but Josie’s dad is taking her for walks, so she’s grateful for that.

Now, for all of you out there who stand ready to call the Humane Society, I maintain that Cora (and Josie) are being well looked after, fed and fluffed by the one dog lover in the house. They are intelligent animals, so when I walk in the room, they generally leave it and that’s okay. Cora only goes out for potty breaks if Roy takes her, and I am not offended by that. After all, the dog is smart enough to know who her friends are, who am I to complain?

Now, I could not ever harm a living creature, but I do know that domesticated animals are probably not for me. I think that if I’m going to have a pet, I would like a wild squirrel. That way, I could be assured that it would quickly run away from home!

Hang in there, Cora, only two more days to go!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

It’s not a secret that I really enjoy television. I have the television on way more than I should on any given day and in particular do I like the new method of “streaming” so you can watch an entire series at once, with only breaks to use the toilet and re-fill your chips bowl.

I believe that Roy is not as excited about television binge watching as I am. I was trying to talk to him the other day about how much I am enjoying The Crown. He appeared to be listening to me, but he was also searching around in the bathroom cupboards, so I wasn’t sure.

“I love how on The Crown they show you the hard facts of being a royal,” I commented.

“You know that stuff isn’t really all just as it happened,” he replied, moving on to the next bathroom cupboard.

“Well, I for one would like to see them add to it, you know, after Queen Elizabeth dies,” I leaned over his shoulder—what was he looking for?

“Queen Elizabeth is dead.”

“What? No. Charles would have said something,” I was sure.

“He crowned himself king, wasn’t that a clue? You should watch the news if you’re going to watch so much television.”

“The news is too scary.”

“This from the woman who watches Ghost Series and sprinkles salt around all the doorways to keep out the evil spirits,” he chuckled, as he was pulling out drawers in the vanity.

“It worked. We haven’t had a single evil spirit since I saw that on television and followed the instructions,” I declared. “What ARE you looking for?”

“I’m looking for the new bottle of cough medicine I just got and my prescription for blood pressure. Have you seen them?”

“Of course I have,” I answered. “I threw them out.”

“You what? You threw them out?” He flung his hands in the air when I nodded. “May I ask why you would throw them out?”

“Because if the FBI were to search our house, they would arrest us for having drugs. You can make cocaine or something out of some of that stuff. Don’t you watch Breaking Bad or Cold Case Files? It’s all over them.”

“Does the FBI show up pretty regularly to search our house?” he asked.

“Well, not yet, but on those shows, they turn up without any advance notice. They have some really clever listening devices. Speaking of that, I want you to check out the garter snake in the garden. I think it might be a high-tech surveillance system.”

“What makes you think that? It looks just like a snake.”

“Yes,” I say with assurance, “It looks a little too much like a snake; according to the detective shows, that is your first clue.”

“I’m going for a walk,” he says, heading for the door. “Then I’m going to go buy some more cough syrup. I hope the snake has a camera.”

“Well, while you’re outside, watch it so you don’t touch any large stones. I’ve been binge watching Outlander and if you touch a big stone, you might end up 200 years in the past and married to a big old Scottish Highlander.”

“Does he have a television,” he asks. “if not, I might be in.”

You all don’t think I’m watching too much television, do you?

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I won’t be able to write my usual book this week because I am weathering a virus or bacteria which, each time I try to get up, says, “No, I think we’re going to keep lying flat on our back today; stretch out on the couch before I slap you with a dizzy spell.”

Perhaps the worst part about this little virus is that it has hit both my husband and me. You know what that means: there’s no one to wait on me and baby me and make being whacked out of action for a while at least worth the sick room service.

No, Roy and I are passed out in the two best recliners in the house, watching each other through bleary eyes. As soon as anybody twitches, the other responds, “Oh, you’re getting up? That’s great. Could you get me some more water and maybe a bowl of soup or something?”

It started out as a cold. We were both sure we had caught the sniffles from one of the grandchildren, which can happen. But no grandchild of mine would actively seek out this mean-spirited, deceitful, torturous bug. Within a very short time, we could tell we were in trouble.

“What’s wrong with your eye? It looks all funny and blurry,” I ask him as he staggers by.

“The same thing that’s wrong with your eye,” he mutters, “only I think yours is worse.”

It wasn’t long before we turned to each other, coughed and sneezed a few times while holding our heads and said, “You know what? I bet this is Covid.” Covid explains everything. It gives us an excuse to be sick. That is weirdly comforting.

Or it was until we used our home test kits. No sir, we did not have Covid. How wonderful. After all, who wants to have Covid? Except, if it wasn’t Covid and it wasn’t a regular cold (we could tell by the running noses for a week, the unbalanced walking and the major coughing fits) what in the world had invaded our bodies?

After a week of staggering around, we got up. This is enough. We are not going to be held prisoner by some bacteria which has invaded our systems. We are stronger than that!

No, we aren’t. Every morning, we get up, test the upright air and cough our way back down to our pillows. To entertain ourselves, we decided to name this disease.

“How about Fetid Fauth Feelings?” my husband suggested, sneezing out the last syllables.

“No way. I am not sharing a name with this crap,” I answered, wiping my nose and blinking the fuzz out of my eyes. “I have the perfect name for it. We’re going to call it the Devil’s Holiday.”

“That’s pretty good,” he responded. “Can you reach the cough drops from where you are?”

“They are too far away from my fingertips, but if you wait a few minutes, I will be forced to get up for the bathroom and I’ll fling them your way then.”

“Thanks. Maybe this being sick together isn’t so bad,” he said. “After all, the family that ails together…” Unfortunately for him, this disease has completely killed my sense of humor.

“Another crack like that and you’ll get a hammer to the head instead of the cough drops,” I snarl, staggering to my feet and heading for the bathroom.

I figure we’ll have to be going to the doctor if this doesn’t let up soon, because although I think that we are not in danger of dying, I’m not sure our family unity can survive much more of the Devil’s Holiday. Have a good week and for goodness’ sake, don’t come near us!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

For some people, they get nervous when their partner goes into a clothing or shoe store. Or, perhaps they worry about the joint checking account should their partner enter an antique shop, a hardware store or even a car dealership. My husband worries about none of those. He starts sweating when I enter a bookstore.

While both of us like to read, I am definitely the one who goes somewhat overboard with books. And I keep pointing out to him that an addiction to books is much better than if I were addicted to alcohol or cocaine. He has the nerve to suggest that the cost of my book habit isn’t much cheaper!

“Are you sure you need that many books?” he will enquire, watching me juggle my stack of books in the checkout line at Barnes and Noble. He refuses to encourage my book habit by helping me carry them.

“What, this?” I scoff. “This is only half of what I bought the last time I was here.”

“Yes, but have you gotten all of those books read?”

“Of course not! If I had all of those read, I’d naturally have to buy many more,” I respond in all seriousness.

“Naturally,” he says between gritted teeth, “I wouldn’t want the three bookshelves at home,  completely full of more books waiting to be read, to start looking empty.”

Some people just don’t understand the art of true literary appreciation. I once visited the home of Mark Twain and in the living room, a book sat beside the lamp table, as they had left things just as Twain left them when he died. I felt a little bad that he hadn’t been able to finish that book and then we went into the conservatory, and there was another half-finished book. Same was true of the table where he had done his writing. In all, he left seven partially read books at the time of his death. I felt a kindred spirit. I understood. There is just a different book you will read in the bedroom as opposed to the one you read in the bathroom, which is entirely different from the book you read in the living room.

“What do you think of that?” I asked my husband smugly.

“I think you and he should have drunk more whiskey and read books in more moderation,” he replied.

I feel it’s my responsibility to read these books. I read Gone With the Wind before I saw the movie, and I was disappointed at what they left out. I read the Bridgerton series some time ago and now, after watching the shows coming out based on them, I may have to go back and read them again to see if there is any resemblance between the two, besides the name Bridgerton.

My children are watching the other bookshelves, sagging even more under the books I have finished, with growing dismay. They appreciate reading, but mostly, they don’t want to have to be the ones who move all of those books someday. Honestly, though, I can’t be expected to get rid of books I have read—what if I wanted to read them again?

I finally decided that perhaps I should cut down on expenses and just check out books from the library. I was sure Roy would be happy about that. I came home with a whole armload of really good finds from the library.

“Look dear, I won’t have to buy these books; I’ll just read them from the library. What do you think?”

He looked at the stack of books in my hands and then he turned to look at the bookshelves nearly collapsing under the weight of the books I have bought that I still have to read.

“I think I’m going to buy you some booze for your birthday. Or, do you have any idea where I might get some recreational drugs legally? We have to get you a new hobby.”

Foolish fellow. That will never happen. I think Thomas Jefferson said it best when he declared, “I cannot live without books.” And I bet nobody tried to get him to switch from books to harmful substances!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

Okay, I’ll admit that as the grandmother of a three-year-old, I am both slow and broken. I deal pretty well with the 11 year old and 13 year old, but the 3 and a half year old has been a revelation for me.

We had decided it was time for all of the boys to come and visit for a few days. We frequently have the older two in the summer for a week at a time, several times. When they were younger, I know they were as much work as the little one, but I’ve reached the conclusion that I was a great deal younger then and I’ve forgotten all the “tricks of the little guy” stage.

But, as I say, it was time to include the youngest in a visit, so we closed our eyes and had all three. And to say it was educational is an understatement. I learned so much in my old age about the talents of a three-year-old and it wasn’t long into the visit where I began to realize that I wasn’t managing him so much as he was managing me!

But to share what I learned. Because I don’t want him to grow up and be a lawyer and sue me for defamation of character, I will refer to him as I have in the past, as “Wildman”. The name is apt.

First, a three year old sleeps well…every other night. The first night he was here, he was still hollering for drinks and potty breaks at midnight. The next morning he was up at 5:30 am.  And this was after only a half-hour nap getting to our house. We staggered through the next day, with the adults and the three year old lacking sleep since we didn’t even suggest a nap to the Wildman the second day. At 7 pm that night, we were trying to shovel a little supper into him before he completely zonked out and we heard nothing from him until 7:30 am the next morning. Everyone refreshed, we braced ourselves for night number three and tried hard to enjoy the sleep roller coaster ride!

Three year olds eat a strategic diet. If you put a plate of meat and potatoes in front of them, they will eat countless slices of bread and butter. If you let him know where the cookie package is hidden, Wildman will have an eating orgy that will make the county pie-eating contest look sedate and moderate. Trends that will excite his taste buds at the dinner table are hard to follow: macaroni and cheese was a huge hit and hotdogs hit the skids. However, anything with sugar as the main ingredient got a big thumbs up from Wildman.

If your three year old loves Matchbox cars and has a collection, then all the world is a garage. You will find them in the refrigerator, in your shoes, in your sock drawer and perched cheerfully on your picture frames. The other night, I went to the bathroom and in the semi-gloom, I noticed a giant bug on the extra rolls of toilet paper. Inwardly screeching, I ran for the fly swatter. After several hits which seemed to leave the bug unmoved, I finally turned on the light only to discover that I had been trying to off a Matchbox police car! I wonder if I can get a ticket for that.

Entertainment is another sketchy thing for the Wildman. While “Monkey George” (Curious George for the rest of us) sometimes gets his attention, it is Paw Patrol that really hits the spot. We have watched so much Paw Patrol at my house this week that his older brothers have threatened to dismantle the television and even I sometimes find myself wishing that the ten-year-old star would drive one of his super-inventive vehicles over a cliff, along with his four-footed canine helpers. We are either watching Paw Patrol or asking to watch Paw Patrol and I have the theme song permanently stuck in my head.

By the time you are three-years-old, you have learned a lot about what you can get away with and what you can’t. Wildman is especially experimental in this regard, figuring that he can play with his older brother’s legos models if his brother doesn’t catch him and he can empty all the drawers in the kitchen looking for his favorite spoon, (it’s a souvenir spoon from Custer State Park) as long as his grandmother is not paying close attention. Once you are caught in your activities, your best bet is to smile endearingly. Wildman has a delightful cheesy grin and I will admit, it has gotten him out of a few scrapes!

Mostly what I have learned this week is that a 68-year-old is no match for the typical three-year-old and in particular is this grandmother no match for the Wildman. We have enjoyed the visit, however, and when he has returned to his more regular house (he has been referring to Grandma’s house all week as “my new house”) I am sure we will return to regular routine around here…but I may spend a week collapsed in a chair, not moving and watching copious amounts of television—and no, it won’t be Paw Patrol!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

First of all, my dear, if I spelled your name wrong, I apologize; I must have found ten different versions, but Sacagawea is the most common, according to Wikipedia.

Let me start by saying that I am a huge admirer of you. You took a bunch of explorers and led them through the wilderness without benefit of road maps, Google maps or Interstate and got them all the way to the homelands you left as a small child. Without so much as a road sign or a mile marker, you did all of this, when you were still a young teenager yourself with a baby on your back.

I admire this skill of yours greatly. This is coming from a woman who sometimes has trouble navigating from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night! I have no idea how you led that bunch of rough and ready men safely through the wilderness, but I am in awe of your accomplishments.

And that brings me to the favor I need. For the past 40 years or so, my husband has been traveling throughout the United States and several foreign countries and the only navigator he has is me…and even without a baby on my back, I have a lot of trouble getting us from place to place. So, what I want to ask is, could you come and show me how to navigate? Before you answer, you should know a few things.

1. I have trouble distinguishing my right from my left. So many a time, my husband has taken a wrong turn because I told him to turn left when the turn was actually right. I once navigated us to the edge of a lake in the middle of nowhere instead of getting us to downtown Denver just by saying, “Yeah, you turn right here.” My husband has learned to say, “Which right?” And I, offended that he doesn’t trust me, will point–“That way.” And his reply is invariably, “Yeah, that’s your other right, also known as left!”
2. I cannot properly read a map. In the first place, the older I get, the tinier that writing is. But it was never easy, even when my eyesight was better.  I just love to have the road map in my lap, carefully marked by Roy with where we are going, and I just follow along. However, if there is a question, or we miss a turn, I am about as useful as an ax in a furniture factory. Finally, on our most recent trip, Roy missed a turn, and I found an alternate way to get through Indianapolis, using the road map. We made it out of town, and I plan to live on that accomplishment for some time:

When he says furiously, “You told me to turn at that last mile marker and now we are completely lost!”

I will reply with, “Well, maybe, but I got us out of Indianapolis that one time, how about that?”

3. I tend to get a little flustered when we are lost. On the downtown interchanges in Pittsburgh this year, I had a little trouble with the GPS: “Okay, turn onto Frederick Avenue…no wait, it’s now saying we should go on the Allegheny Interchange…no, that’s not right, it says to take a right here and do a U-turn on the bridge…for the love of god, GPS, STOP RE-ROUTING!”

4. I am not very good at giving clear instructions. Once, in Passau, Germany, we stopped a lovely young lady to ask for directions to the river. She asked, “Which river; there are two?” I said, “We want the river with the boat!” Since most rivers have boats, this was not helpful. Another time, we were lost in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, so we called the cousin we were trying to find for directions. He asked, “Where are you?” I hollered, “We are in some trees…a lot of trees!” Turns out that silly man wanted a street name!

Okay, Sacagawea, I think you have got the picture. I am very poor at navigation, and it has caused some of the wilder events on our travels. So, if there is any way you could give me some hints or tips on how to get from place to place in a calm manner (I’ve never seen a painting of you, jumping up and down, tearing out your hair, because you took the wrong turn at that last fork in the road) I would be very grateful.

I’ve always felt I had the potential for greatness in the world, but unlike you, it will never be for my ability to navigate. Now, when you get ready to come to my house, you just turn left at the stop sign…or is that right? Anyway, it’s south about two miles, or no, I mean…well, you’re the navigator, I’m sure you can find me. And say hello to Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark for me!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

One of the fun ways in which Roy and I test our marriage to see if it is strong and healthy is a little exercise we call the “vacation planning test.” This vastly resembles the grocery shopping test that I have already mentioned, but with a few differences. The main one is that unlike grocery shopping which can be solved by sending only one, the vacation planned by a couple must then be ENJOYED by the same couple. This can present some sticky moments.

I’ve always felt if Roy was going to throw me out for good, he would do it while we were planning vacation. Not only do we vastly differ in our desires for activities on vacation, we also differ on just how to plan it.

Take our most recent endeavor. We planned a vacation of about a week and a half driving. For me, it’s a matter of getting into the car, having a general direction and then, making it up as I go. This is not a terrible plan, either, because some of my best finds on vacation have come from me reading the map while he is driving down the highway or watching for the signs overhead.

Unfortunately, I live with a mate who not only wants everything planned, but requires that I sit down with him while he painstakingly puts together the trip “itinerary.”  For those of you intensely organized people out there who are nodding in agreement with this plan, may I suggest to you (as I frequently have to him) that you stuff it in your “estimated time of arrival.”

“Okay,” Roy will say, pulling up his already mapped out schedule in Excel, “let’s decide how this vacation is going to go.” I am already half asleep and half annoyed. “The first thing we must plan is to be at our destination for the Twins game in Pittsburg.” It has been his goal in life to see the Twins lose in as many different stadiums around the country as he can. They seldom let him down. My ambition is to find a good book to read while I am sitting in those stadiums. It fascinates the security people when all they have to search for me is the pages of whatever book I am ignoring the game with.

“I thought the idea was to go to Niagara Falls,” I question.

“Yes, but as you can see, that is scheduled for Sunday afternoon. Once we’ve ridden the Maid of the Mist out to the falls, what else is there to do?”

“Go over the edge in a barrel?” My suggestion does not make it onto the itinerary.

“I’m afraid in order to make the schedule work, we will not be able to fit in Millard Filmore’s museum,” he says, making some adjustments to the calendar.

“Poor Millard,” I sigh, “perhaps if we don’t stay too long at the fort (how long can you look at a cannon) we could fit him in. He gets so little respect, we should try to drop by.”

“No chance; if we do that, we have to move around this battlefield and we won’t be able to take the ferry out to this island. Millard’s out,” he decides.

At that point, we begin figuring out (okay, he begins figuring out) how long it takes to get from one event to the next. We will have time for the Wright Brothers—however Wyatt Earp might be in question. While I am thrilled that the itinerary just can’t squeeze in a 15 mile hike, I admit, I would be okay with hitting up the James Garfield museum.

“Well, we’ll have to see,” he says, checking his list. “If we do that, I’ll have to rearrange four other events on the schedule.”

“Don’t do that, it’ll take two hours more with this. Garfield was assassinated in office; he can probably bear the disappointment of our not being there.”

Finally, painstakingly, day by excruciating day, we get the itinerary settled up. We have every moment accounted for and every fun activity planned to within an inch of its life. Will this itinerary hold up? Will we make it to the Sherman museum, or will another ball game squeeze it out? Only time will tell and what I’ve learned over the years is, no matter how well-planned the itinerary, we pretty much end up making it up as we go.

May all of your marriages survive the planning of the annual vacation.

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I am about to confess something to you that probably my nearest family and friends already know: I am a certifiable Star Trek nerd. From the original series, through Next Generation, Deep Space 9, Voyager and on, I have adored every Star Fleet Mission, weird and hostile alien and Red Alert moment that any of the series has ever produced.

So, if you have never seen any of the episodes, the rest of this probably won’t make a whole lot of sense, and I apologize for digressing on one of my favorite fixations. And seriously, if you have not seen these shows, I have to tell you that you are missing one of the greatest fantasy adventures and social satires of all times.

One of the things I’ve enjoyed the most has been the unbelievable number of catch phrases that the program has produced. Spock, with his fingers raised in a weird victory signal as he bids you, “Live long and prosper” or Captain Picard with his precise mannerisms directing you to “Make it so,” add color and life to every episode.

All of the characters are engaging, but I in particular like some of the medical officers. I love the holographic doctor on Voyager, and the alien Dr. Phlox and his love of animal medicine on Enterprise. My favorite, though, has always been the original doctor, Leonard “Bones” McCoy who joined his great friend, Captain James T. Kirk on his space adventures, but never did quite adjust to the unique challenges of the great unknown.

He was quirky, talented, emotional and loyal to his friends and his profession. Growing up, I always thought how cool it would be to be Nurse Chapel, working alongside the great man. (At the time, it didn’t occur to me to want to be HIM instead, but I have evolved since then.) Best of all, I loved his standard response to any mammoth request that came from Captain Kirk: Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a magician, mind-reader, engineer, babysitter, etc. Whatever the situation, Dr. McCoy reminded his captain of his “limitations,” always prefacing it with, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor…”

Because of this fixation, my children have bowed to the inevitable and started gifting me with Star Trek memorabilia. I have a Christmas tree ornament shaped like Voyager, a snow globe containing the original Enterprise, and a set of Pez dispensers for every character in The Next Generation. One of my favorites has to be my Dr. McCoy t-shirt. Emblazoned on the front are pictures of all the various professions he pointed out that he wasn’t (the engineer, the magician, the athlete, etc.) Each picture has a line drawn through it, indicating this is what he is not, while the picture of a doctor’s stethoscope is left unmarred, as he is a doctor. Emblazoned across the top are the words, “Dammit, Jim…”

Now, I think the shirt is hysterical, but it has caused its share of uncomfortable moments. For one thing, I have learned there are certain places you might not want to wear it—teaching school, to church, and so on. While it immediately picks out the Star Trek nerds of your world, it also presents a startled moment for those who don’t know why I would wear a shirt that says, “Dammit Jim” across the front, especially those who know my husband’s name is Roy, not Jim.

I keep on wearing the shirt, though, because it is kind of like a secret handshake, revealing all of the others out there who are a part of the Star Trek mystic. They laugh, and I know, we have made a connection.

And for the rest of them? Well, it can be awkward. I was wearing the shirt at a restaurant recently and the manager had come forward to seat us. Taking one look at the shirt which I had sincerely forgotten I was wearing he said, “Uh, about your shirt. My name is Jim?”

“Star Trek,” I replied, and he either got it or pretended that he did. Such are the hazards for us Star Trek fans.

For my next custom designed t-shirt, I’m going to have the words, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a writer, not a doctor!” printed on it and see how many Star Trek fans get that. In the meantime, all of you, Trek fans or not, live long and prosper.

Jackie Wells-Fauth

This morning while eating my breakfast in a small café in town, I happened to look up in time to see an extraordinary young lady come in, wearing a biking suit and helmet. I am aware of that stigma we small towners have where we tend to stare at anyone who is new, but I will admit to observing her from a distance.

She answered the questions of the friendly people who greeted her and she let them know where she’d been and where she was going. I will admit, I’m very jealous: the question is, am I jealous enough to get back on a bike myself? I tend to think no.

Now, I’m not crazy (at least, that’s my opinion); I would never attempt, as this young lady was, to ride a bike all through the United States, coast to coast. However, I have frequently thought in these last years that getting back on a bike for me holds some real benefits.

I learned to ride a bike late in life. While all of my other friends and relatives were wheeling along, I, at 8 years old, still hadn’t conquered two-wheel transportation. One of the neighbor boys became impatient with this situation and finally terrified me into riding the bike by running along beside me as I wobbled along, shouting, “Don’t you stop, don’t you dare put your feet down or else!” Later, he admitted that he didn’t know what the “or else” was going to be, but since I chose to believe the threat, I almost inadvertently, finally learned to ride the bike.

I kept it up sporadically through my young adulthood and my first years of motherhood. It was handy to put my non-napper child in the car seat and just keep riding until I could feel her sleep-heavy body slumped up against me. When my children became too old to use the bike as a mechanical sedative, I put it away.

Several times later, always in a fever-induced moment, I would decide it was in my best interest to ride a bike again. I needed the exercise and fresh air. Bike riding had always been fun; why not? After I had gotten the bike out, dusted it off, filled the tires with air (twice) and got a couple of feet down the road, I would remember why not. Bike riding is hard work!

I know I should be ashamed to say that, having encountered the young lady this morning who is riding across country, but honestly, I wouldn’t get from Miller to St. Lawrence (all of 1 mile) before I’d be praying for a five-star restaurant to appear before me—attached to a luxury hotel and casino.

I have never envied those biking enthusiasts who ride cross country on their cycles. We pass them frequently in the car, bent over their bikes in the rain, hot sun and high wind and when I see them trudging uphill, I want to volunteer to tie them to the bumper of my car—not that they would probably appreciate that! My youngest grandson (who learned it from his older brothers) thinks a good mountain bike ride is taking his little trike to the top of the driveway, shoving off with his feet and then holding them up to allow the downward curve of the drive to propel him to the bottom. I am with him in this regard!

So, while travel by bicycle may have its good points (I am at a loss for the moment about what  those are) I still think I will find some other way to be an active member of society and my knees and back concur with me on this decision.

Nonetheless, the young lady this morning did give me pause. In her cross-country trip, she said that there was no real plan, just wherever they wanted to go. I have always liked the spontaneity of that. In addition, and perhaps an even bigger draw, was that this biker was reed slim and sat down to the biggest and best breakfast I had ever seen.

While she was enjoying the meal and exchanging pleasant conversation with some of the other diners, I once again thought, “Perhaps I need to get the bike out and go for at least a short ride. What could it hurt?”

And my subconscious answered, “Your back, your knees, your ankles, your disposition and your relationship with those who have to deal with you after you have fallen off a few times. Besides, you sold that bike ten years ago.”

So, to all those bikers out there who are diligently on the road, getting exercise and experience, I say:  I’ll be watching you… from my deck…with a large glass of iced tea…and a great deal of admiration!

Jackie Wells-Fauth

I admit it, I am a small-town girl who is used to small-town roads. And when I say small-town roads, I mean roads maybe wide enough for two lanes and maybe paved with oil rather than gravel, or maybe not. This is my idea of a road; where the worst thing you are likely to face is a large piece of farm machinery in a no passing zone.

That is why attempting to drive in large cities has always been difficult for me. Imagine small town girl meets 8-lanes of fast-moving traffic and little idea of where she is going and you will be imagining me, trying to drive in Minneapolis this past month.

Possibly the worst part of the experience is the fact that my lack of preparation for such a driving adventure is really pathetic. It would be like trying to send a blind baby with one arm into the ring against Rocky Balboa and expecting a win for the babe in the woods!

I never pull out onto a two-lane highway unless all traffic is off the road and has been parked in their own driveways for ten minutes. In Minneapolis, there is never such a thing as a “break in traffic.” What they do have is, “now is the time, take your life in your hands and pull out like all the demons of hell are after you.” Even at that, if you don’t have at least three cars swerve around you with horns blaring, you have done something wrong.

When I am driving at home, I always pick a lane and remain there, even if that lane is the gravelly hump on the side of a gravel path, which forces you to drive in the ditch part of the way. You never move to the center of a road and once you have picked your lane, you stick with it like you are a cow coming down a chute with no chance to veer to right or left.

In Minneapolis, while I was driving the speed limit and fearing to move even a touch to my right or left, I was several times witness to what I like to call the “side scramble.” A driver on my left would cut in front of my car and then veer a little further over, into the next lane, then slice in front of a speeding truck to the lane after that, and on and on until they had somehow, at breakneck speed and in impossible traffic, cut their way diagonally across all five or six lanes of traffic, just so they could exit! Now, if I were to execute that maneuver, I would definitely have to take the nearest exit so I could clean out my underwear and lie down until my heart had stopped pounding into my mouth. It was terrifying to watch and it occurred over and over!

My tactic for getting through the heavy traffic was to do what I do when I am traveling on the two-lane US highway at home: I pick a lane and then never leave it. The problem with this procedure in a major city? Well, the lane you are in can be going along fine and then, while you are clinging to it like a monkey to its mother swinging through trees, suddenly, a sign will appear out of the corner of your eye that says something like: “Get out of this lane, unless you are planning to exit to a new road.” Or “Right lane closed ahead, get out of it a mile ago!” or,  “Hey, Mario Andretti, this is the east bound lane and you are supposed to be going west!”

Suddenly, that lane which had been your friend for several miles, has pulled the rug out from underneath you and now, instead of heading east, towards Stillwater, you find yourself in the northbound lane on the way for a fun-filled week in Duluth. And when you look around at the traffic to get to the exit, you know you will be spending the week in Duluth because there is no way you are going to be capable of performing the “side scramble” to get to the exit.

I am home again from my fun-filled week on the highway to hell, so that means I am once again driving under the speed limit, stopping at every stop sign until the whole road looks like a deserted apocalyptic byway and waving happily at all of the machinery I encounter in my path. I do not miss all of those cars in such a hurry to get to so many places and furthermore, I will have everyone know that I am very happy that there are crossroads and not exits on my super highway. Happy driving, everyone!