I love all the Christmas movies, don’t you? I watch A Christmas Carol (all 50 versions) and Miracle on 34th Street (I like the Maureen O’Hara, Natalie Wood one best), along with It’s a Wonderful Life and even Christmas Vacation. White Christmas is another favorite, along with Holiday Inn.
At least one weekend a year I load them all up and watch them in one giant, Christmas pig-out. Unfortunately, however, I come up with some of the same random questions every year.
For instance, why does Scrooge’s nephew keep putting up with his uncle? If you ask me, it’s almost harder to believe that Fred (the nephew) never told old Scrooge to stick it up his humbug than it is to believe that anyone could be as bad as Scrooge. And then, when Scrooge shows up at Fred’s house after his miraculous transformation, Fred just invites him in; doesn’t ask for a blood test or a detox certificate—just lets him in the door. If you ask me, Fred’s got some issues.
And, speaking of movies and certifiable characters, let’s take the case of Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street. I’ve never understood exactly what they were trying to prove in the trial held in that movie. Were they trying to prove that Santa Claus was sane or that Kris was sane or that Kris was Santa Claus…and sane? Whichever it is, I ask them to remember that you can’t prove a guy is sane AND prove that he is Santa Claus…that would mean you should be locked up yourself! And as for those lazy louts at the post office, how long do you leave the dead letter room collecting mail before you clean it? It could be that this may explain why our post is slow sometimes!
This brings me to Christmas Vacation. No one wants a nice family Christmas more than me, but I am unwilling to do it at the expense of my sanity. This man endured cat food in the Jello, a dog hacking up under the holiday table, a cigar-smoking old man who set his toupee and the tree on fire and a completely clueless relative without the brains to recognize overt hostility. We’re lucky we didn’t witness a complete meltdown, instead of just a guy sitting in the attic wearing his mother’s dress wraps and weeping over old movies….wait a minute, maybe that was it!
My biggest problem of all, however, comes when I take up the issue of Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life. This Harry Potter (I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that his name was Henry F. Potter), was not like the lovable English wizard. Henry F. Potter was unsympathetic, vindictive and he did not care about the common muggle…I mean, man. I could live with that, but I can’t live with the fact that he stole 8,000 dollars from that twit, Uncle Billy and then was never brought to justice. How is this right? Shouldn’t a film that ends with everyone standing around, throwing money on the table and singing Auld Lang Syne, also deal out proper justice to a thief?
I’ve often thought there should have been a sequel to this movie: Potter Gets His. George will wake up the morning after the Christmas party with a slight hangover from Mr. Martini’s wine (ironic name there, by the way); he will squeeze the location of the lost money out of Uncle Billy and then he will stomp down to Potter’s office, drag him out of that wheelchair and beat him with his own hard heart.
Okay, I have to get busy making some Christmas candy and banana bread, so I’m going to leave this useless rambling alone, as it gets me nowhere. But as I stir the fudge, I know I’m going to be asking that question that’s on everyone’s mind: how DID they get all those former soldiers up to Pine Tree, Vermont, squeezed into their old Army uniforms, just so a retired general could get snow on his ski slopes? Never mind, I’ll figure it out for myself! Have a merry Christmas.
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