New Year, Old hangups

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on

Hello, everyone and welcome to the new year. Now, I am a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions and I sometimes keep them clear into February, but this year, I think it should be different. We are all supposed to resolve to eat smarter, lose weight, exercise more, be more organized, etc. All of those are good things for some people, but I think I will go in a different direction. I will resolve on things that most would count as frivolous, if not downright…dumb!

Allow me to explain: I don’t want to resolve on new things to do, I want to resolve on continuing the things I like to do now. Is this self-improvement? Maybe not; but it is a whole lot more fun for me. I also will be resolving to cease doing things that I already don’t want to do. That should be easy!

Let’s start with something simple, like M & Ms. Now, the world does not eat enough M & Ms. If they did, everyone would be a whole lot happier. So, I’m going to get bags and bags of M & Ms and resolve to not only eat more myself, but hand out as many of those little round circles of joy to all the crabby people in the world as I can. That’s a good resolution, now, isn’t it?

And if that resolution is not big enough for you, you will appreciate my next one. I resolve not to clean one single closet this entire year. Every year it seems, I resolve to get some closets, drawers, cupboards, etc., cleaned out and pare down the amount of junk I am storing. And every year, I clean one or two, dragging everything out, deciding I can’t get rid of anything and putting it all back. So, this year, I resolve not to clean any closets. I’m not even cleaning the refrigerator unless something in there evolves enough to talk to me!

I also resolve not to go on one single diet. Everyone out there who has ever gone on a diet at New Year’s, lost weight and kept it off for good, raise your hand: just as I thought; one hand raised and that guy is lying. I have tried breadless diets, sugarless diets, keto diets, salad diets, fasting diets and that diet where you eat nothing but Krispee Kreme doughnuts and the same thing happens. If I can stand it long enough to lose weight, that weight creeps right back on as soon as I start eating actual food again. So, I’m to skip the middle man here and resolve to stay the same chubby, fun-loving 120-pound beauty I am today. If you would like to challenge that weight declaration, you’ll have to come and get me and when we check it out, we’re using my scale!

I will make one concession-related resolution regarding my habits, however. I resolve that this year, when someone presents me with a dish that looks as though the cat were sick in a pan (and frequently smells a little like that too), and says, “Try this! I found this recipe in an old copy of ‘Meals to make for those you hate’. Does it need a little salt or something?” I won’t. I resolve that I will NOT try it, no matter the salt content. If I don’t eat things that don’t appeal to me, I might lose a little weight, don’t you think? So, no liver casserole or fried chicken feet for me! Good resolution.

I resolve this year not to lift anything more than five pounds and to never stand when I can sit. I will not take out the garbage unless the Health Department shows up and the dog will have all four legs fall off before I take her for a walk. I will resolve not to make any cupcakes or homemade bread and I will resolve not to hint broadly to all the cooks in my life to let me have some of theirs.

New year’s resolutions have always been tough–keeping them, not making them. Therefore, I will look for resolutions that don’t require a huge commitment of time or dedication. I resolve to leave the snow on the deck and hope everyone thinks I’m going for a beautiful, seasonal scene and they don’t guess the awful truth, which is that I am lazy and not interested in getting a pulled muscle or torn rotator cup, just so my deck is clean. The dog can walk through the snow and I can wait to sit on the deck until the weather warms up, should that ever happen!

I know, I know, by now you are thinking that I am not taking this whole resolution thing very seriously, and you would be right. So, for my final resolution, let me resolve to stop taking life too seriously and maybe have a little fun when I can. Now there is a resolution I can get behind. Happy New Year, all of you!


1 Comment

Filed under Humorous Column

One response to “New Year, Old hangups

  1. I guess i could not say things that hush puppies shouldn’t look like cat turds.

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