The secret life of an accountant

It is not an easy life for my husband, the accountant. He is a meticulous bookkeeper and understands all that audit and taxes stuff so well. What he has not yet figured out is his wife’s accounting system for the household finances.

I found the above pictured records book when I was cleaning out some drawers today. I’m sure it’s something I bought to do a better job of keeping track of my spending, but it apparently didn’t work. I say this because inside this little book are pages lined with neat columns for recording spending and wonderful little pockets to hold receipts, etc. The year on this book is 2016 and if you could look inside the book right now, you would see that all the pages are still fresh and new and have never been marred by something so tacky as…say, financial records!

I always mean well. Sometimes I even get started keeping track…but I always fall apart and the house is littered with these blank little financial record books, which find their way into deep drawers or dark corners, never to be seen again.

So my accountant lives a secret life of shame over his wife’s financial failings. He learned early in the marriage to get me my own checking account, so that the bank wouldn’t think that he, an accountant, couldn’t keep track of his own finances. He disdains checkbooks with duplicate checks, preferring his own method of daily recording, but he has made me a gift of those handy duplicates, so random checks don’t get away from me and louse up my calculations.

He tried to keep my checkbook balanced and reconciled, but eventually, he sought to avoid the monthly argument–“What did you spend $50 at the Wax Waters for?” “Wax Waters? $50? Are you sure that’s my checkbook?” in any way he could. He turned the whole bank reconciliation over to me, declaring that federal tax laws were easier to understand than my scribblings. I make it a point never to ask for his help (because it ages him), but sometimes I spend some sleepless nights wondering how I could have lost $4,000 when I don’t have $4,000 in the whole account, and little stuff like that.

In the first bloom of love, Roy thought we would be able to strategize on a budget and then, get this, actually stick to the budget. He was so young and trusting! After two months, I was in the hole in almost every category and by six months, I was spending the budget in books and shoes for two years after our tenth anniversary!

In desperation, he tried to establish spending rules like, “If it’s going to cost over $100, let’s discuss it first.” I thought that was reasonable, so I agreed. The trouble is, I never know when it’s going to be over $100, unless I’m buying a house or a car, because I can’t add very well in my head. So the discussion usually ended up being conducted after the purchase was made and at the top of our lungs.

Over the years, we have developed a system that seems to work for us. He puts money aside for large expenditures and manages it very well. I handle purchases for far less money and with far less success at managing it!

So as you can see, the secret life of my accountant is a pretty desperate one, because when it comes to handling finances, opposites apparently do attract! Meanwhile, I’ll go out and buy another financial records and budget calendar book for this year…and no doubt, it will cost more than it should and will end up at the bottom of a convenient drawer! But don’t tell my husband–he probably already knows anyway!

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