Category Archives: Humorous Column

I could be Ravaging Red…

51c93OLpPOL._AC_UL200_SR200,200_You know, sometimes all it takes is an accidental encounter to start you on the road to a new career. That is how I feel about my recent opportunity to enter the wrestling arena. When you are done sneering, let me tell you how I became a wrestler.

I was taking care of one of those chores that always gets put off at my school. There was a collection of donated jewelry to be used for drama productions, and when we made the move from the “old stage” to the “new stage”, this jewelry was left behind. After four years, I finally got up the energy to go get it.

I marched up to the old gym, a dark, cavernous building with lights which could only be reached by walking through the building, up some steps and across the stage. I used to do it without even thinking, but for four years, this gym has been the domain of the wrestling team, not the drama department,  and I was out of practice. I felt my way into the dark cave of a stage, walked confidently across and there, in the dark, I stepped on a body. I knew it was a body, it was squishy like a body and when I kicked it in my fright, the arms flopped over, grabbing my legs.

This was too much! I screamed several times–the echo was great–and then I began to karate chop what was obviously a not-quite-dead zombie from the deep. After a couple of minutes wrangling with it, I managed to pull myself free and run for the light switch.

Still screaming, my heart pounding I dramatically hit the lights and…my zombie was a practice wrestling dummy–complete with head and limbs. It didn’t help at all that the dummy looked worse off than me…he was hanging off the stage head first and looking pretty shaken up.

That’s when it hit me. I had taken out the wrestling dummy, which meant that I must be pretty good. Certainly, that wrestling dummy won’t be dumb enough to mess with me again. Once I stopped my heart from pounding out of my chest and changed my underwear, I was feeling pretty tough.

Maybe it’s time I tried out a new career. I’ve seen those professional wrestlers; it’s easy. All you do is give yourself a cool name, get spandex and some sequins and you’re a wrestler. I’m going to do it. I’m going to launch into a new career. I’ll call myself Ravaging Red and rat my hair and throw some glitter in it. Now, do you suppose I can get the dummy to write me a reference?

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Back where I started…

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No one understands the ins and outs (or ups and downs) of yoyo dieting better than I do. I have been up and down that scale so much, that if it were a piano, I’d have written an opera by now.

I have had the problem of  being a little on the heavy side since I was a child. My grandmother used to say I was “pleasingly plump,” but there was never anything pleasing about being plump in my mind. It took me a while, but I eventually equated my love of anything loaded with sugar with gaining weight. So I learned to cut down on the sweet stuff and I was a lot less pleasing and a lot more trim for most of my teens.

I blamed my children for my weight gain as I got older. It was because I had children, that I sacrificed my beautiful figure, I told myself. However, I knew the real culprit was sugar. Add to that the fact that I love my carbs and I’ve never met a hamburger I didn’t like, and my weight added up.

Oh, I would get the flu or something and shed a few pounds, but it always came back. I had the typical yoyo dieter closet: on one end, the clothes for when I had trimmed off a few pounds…building up to the other end, which held the clothes for my ballooning  days of high poundage. Of course, in between that were clothes in every size I had ever reached.

Then, my daughter announced she was getting married. Well, what could I do? There was no way I could be at the top of my weight gain when she married, could I? As it turned out, I found a unique way to scale my weight down: I sewed six bridesmaid’s dresses in a nightmare of silky teal material and countless, endless black flounces. I was so busy cutting, sewing, worrying, panicking, etc., that I had no time to eat.

I slid into my daughter’s wedding at the trimmest point I had been in years and was able to get the requisite fancy dress in a smaller size — that’s right, I didn’t sew it! I was so proud of that dress—that dress that I didn’t sew, but that was a significantly smaller size!

But, the years rolled on and the yoyo slowly crept back up. Then, my younger daughter announced she was getting married. The good news was that I didn’t have to enter sewing hell, since she bought the attendant’s dresses. The bad news was that I had reached that point on the scale between heavy and “take the tank off the scale, for the love of of heaven!”

I bought a dress for that wedding, equally fancy, but several sizes larger than my first one. It was shortly after that when my doctor said, “It’s now or never, time to let go of your potatoes, bread and sugar.” I was distraught. He had just described my entire diet!

I buckled down. I exercised, I gave up potatoes, bread and fish sticks. I stopped having my five candy bars a day and started walking instead. Slowly, I began the climb down the scale once more.

That was three years ago and since then I have been locked in my own house in a pandemic and after a while, I renewed my acquaintance with bread and potatoes. I may have started eating a lot of candy bars as well…but I kept on walking and exercising. I avoided the yoyo dieting problem by refusing to step on a scale. Then I wouldn’t know if I was getting heavier again.

Today, I was cleaning closets and I came across the dress of my slim memories from Stefanie’s wedding and I decided to see just how hard it would be to get into it. I shut my eyes, tried not to think of the Twinkies and Pepsi I had for lunch and slipped on my “skinny” wedding outfit. The picture with this article tells you that I proudly and surprisingly found out that it still fits! I didn’t even have to unzip it…it was perfect. It gave me the courage to step on the scale. I am right back to that pre-Stefanie’s wedding weight! What a kick!

I celebrated by not taking a walk today and having a half a box of cheese crackers washed down with a couple of Pepsis. I think the yoyo might be on the way back up?

 

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With my pants down…

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Okay, this title might be a little misleading, but it does sort of reflect the topic of this article. It is also not a lead-in to something pornographic or to bathroom humor either. Although….the bathroom does become involved.

Perhaps I should start with the water heater. We recently had a water heater conk out on us and with admirable speed, a new one was installed. What I didn’t know, however, was that after the install, someone would be coming to check…something, I’ve never been quite clear on just what.

At any rate, I was busy working in my living room, with a large picture window and a window also along the door (check the picture) on a hot, sticky afternoon this week. I had finally succumbed to the misery of the heat and removed my trousers. It was a huge improvement, and I continued to work from the comfort of my chair in a short shirt and my underwear.

I was writing an article about unexpected events and the thought passed through my mind, “Wouldn’t it be terrible if someone rang the doorbell now and here I am?” It was only a passing thought, though. I wasn’t expecting anyone and people simply do not just drop by my house. I mean, come on–there’s a pandemic; people stay home, right?

At about that time, I heard a footfall on the front steps outside and then the unbelievable happened: someone rang the doorbell. I was frozen…in my chair… in front of the windows…with no idea where I had put my pants when I took them off. I didn’t want to look out to see who it was, but the dog immediately set up a barking, letting whoever was outside know there was something inside.

There was no hope for it: I was going to have to make a dash for the bedroom. With no throws or pillows for cover, I jerked my shirt down as far as I could and hoping the dog would keep the visitor distracted, I flashed by the windows and made a beeline for the bedroom. I looked frantically for the discarded pants–no luck. With the doorbell still peeling, I grabbed the first trousers I could find, pulled them on and went to the door.

It was a repairman who needed to inspect the new water heater for…I honestly did not register what he needed to see; I was way more concerned with what he might have already seen. It was also at this point that I realized that my pants were on backwards, thus explaining the weird feel of them.

The worst part about this, was that it was an awkward situation already and I have ever had a talent for making an awkward moment worse. So, in giving the repairman permission to look at the water heater, I added, “Sorry it took so long, I was sitting here without any pants on.”

This poor man looked at me with that look on his face which clearly said that he would be unable to unhear that which he didn’t want to hear in the first place. He quickly donned his mask, completed his inspection and ran for his truck like HIS pants were on fire.

That was disquieting, but my week of impromptu undress was not over. I went walking on a hot morning this week and came home so sticky that I threw my clothes down to the laundry room on my way to the shower. While I was in the shower, the dog suddenly went into an hysterical fit, which should have warned me. I figured someone had driven by and I continued the shower.

The dog redoubled the fit, however and, remembering my hapless repairman friend, I turned off the shower. It wasn’t possible that someone was at the door again…with me in a worse state of undress…again.

As soon as I turned off the noise of the shower, I could hear the doorbell. Jumping from the shower, I grabbed a towel, but I had already traumatized one repairman this week; it would have made me serial flasher if I had gone to the door in a towel.

Thanking my lucky stars that the path to the bedroom from the bathroom didn’t cross any critical windows, I sprinted, half-dried, for the dresser in my room. Anyone who has read this far will understand when I say getting into any kind of clothes was impeded by the fact that clothes do not slide easily on a sticky, wet body.

All this was done to the music of the doorbell and the dog’s wild barking. When I finally made it to the living room, admonishing myself on the way not to explain the reason for my tardy appearance to yet another innocent worker, I discovered it was my cousin…from Denver…that I thought was still in Denver. Astonished, I opened the door, dripping from my head to my foot in very damp clothes…never mind what I had on under them and how did I greet her and her daughter? “I’m sorry it took so long, I was in the shower and I didn’t have clothes on.”

From now on, I’m gonna need a twenty-four hour notice before anyone approaches my door. In addition, it’s important that you know that I am now fully dressed at all times, even in the shower!

 

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Grandma’s rules

IMG_1835I have always considered myself a rather strict grandmother. I believe children thrive the best when they have rules of conduct. Above all, they should never tell lies…like the whopper their grandmother is telling right now.

Okay, so my grandmothering techniques are a little “lax”, should we say. I still have my own sense of order when the grandchildren are here. Like the prime rule: whatever the grandchildren want is what they get.

I was excited to have the children here for a week to visit, but it was an unusual visit, since their mother and aunt were coming with them. Arthur, the younger boy, was openly aghast at this arrangement. Explaining his chagrin to his mother may have given her some warning of what was in store, “But Mom, if you are there too, it will take away our fun!”

Stefanie, the mother in question, related the conversation to me, with a question in her eyes, but what could I tell her–I had no idea what he might have meant by that. She implied that perhaps the children and I were in cahoots against her, but that is just silly…isn’t it?

How things were going to be different this visit was clear from the first morning. Royce, the older boy, fixed his morning bowl of Fruity Pebbles (apparently they aren’t allowed this sugar..I mean, cereal at home) and was headed to the living room to watch some more Wild Kratts on television. Stefanie stopped him on the way past her at the dining room table.

“Where are you going,” she said with a severe look (okay, it looked severe to me). “We have a rule about not eating in the living room.”

Royce’s mouth dropped open as he stared at her, “Grandma doesn’t have rules.”

“THAT rule, that’s what you mean, right darling? You didn’t mean Grandma doesn’t have any rules, you meant she doesn’t have THAT particular rule,” and by this time in my mad rush to stop the leak in the dam, Mother, Aunt and grandson are all looking at Grandma like she is nuts. “Just remember, that the rule is you must eat on the rug in front of the television.”

With a small push, I sent Royce to the living room to sit on the rug that had never been designated as the eating spot before and I tried to smile nonchalantly at my suspicious daughters.

The week did not improve as the boys sought out their favorite activities at Grandma’s house, and I tried to convince my daughters that there were indeed rules to the game. For instance, the boys were allowed to play in the mud, but they were not to THROW mud at each other…of course not. We had never had a mud fight before, right boys? Also, when it came to tree climbing–they must stay on the low branches. Grandma had always forbidden them to crawl up further than that, because, of course, that would be dangerous and no fun, right boys?

Snacks were another issue. The boys thought they could avail themselves of the cheese crackers, toaster strudels, juice packs, etc., without any restraints. I set their mother straight on that early on, though, when I told her that their snacks were strictly regulated. I had distinctly told Arthur he could not have any more toaster strudels and I did not fix him the last two…his grandfather did! Certainly, the boys were required to eat a fair and nutritious meal when one was fixed, so neither I nor the boys could explain to her how those empty snack pudding packs had appeared in the garbage and why they weren’t hungry for the delicious dinner that had been prepared.

Okay, so my daughters may have discovered that things are a little loose around Grandma’s house when the grandsons are there, but the boys and I have come up with an ingenious plan for future visits: Mom will stay home and so will Aunt Tracie, because she might rat us out, too! Who loves you, boys??? Grandma does, and that’s the only rule around here!

 

 

 

 

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Regarding the millers in Miller

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been the invasion of the moths this last month. All at once, I went to the back door and found it covered in moths, all of them trying to gain entry to the house. This is a yearly occurrence but the yield of moths varies. This year, we have a bumper crop.

For those of you who are unaware, when I refer to millers, it is moths I’m talking about, not some hapless family named Miller. As a child, that is what we called them, but the wider world knows these dusty-winged little annoyances as moths.

It doesn’t really matter what you call them, millers or moths, everyone can agree that they are about as annoying as it comes. They fly everywhere, cover window and door screens looking for ways to get in and when they are in, they blindly blunder into the most inconvenient places at the worse possible times.

I  have heard from different people this year that they are finding moths, in abundance, everywhere. They are behind curtains, flying out of bookshelves and even following campers as they try to relax and get away. It is impossible to escape them.

My grandsons called them “gray butterflies” when they were small, but these nasty winged monsters do not resemble butterflies in any way outside of their ability for flight.  They love the lights, thus the phrase, “moth drawn to a flame,” but they have even worse obsessions.

I went to the garage the other morning and found a swarming army of them crawling over the window in the garage, blocking out the light and resembling something straight out of the outer circle of hell. Okay, I don’t really know what the outer circle of hell looks like, but I’m almost certain that if I were unlucky enough to be there, there would be moths crawling all over the windows.

For at least a week every year, the advent of the moths causes us to turn our house into a killing field. We chase them around with flyswatters, slamming them ruthlessly against lamps, windows, chairs and tables. By the end of any given evening our floors are littered with little gray bodies and we are stomping around like Godzilla in the streets of Tokyo, looking for more victims to feed our blood lust.

The worst moment came this week, when the vicious devil-monsters connived me into attacking myself. I was sitting under a reading lamp when I suddenly got the shadow of a moth flying across the page. I immediately jumped up and grabbed my fly swatter, ready to shoot that thing down like the Bloody Red Baron. The dog crammed herself under the sofa as usual.

I began swatting at the moth violently when I felt it fly into my chest. I immediately grabbed the front of my shirt to pull it out and look for the moth. It took the opportunity to fly down the open front of my shirt. When Roy stepped into the room a few seconds later, he was treated to the spectacle of my running around, trying to tear off my shirt while slapping myself repeatedly in the chest with the flyswatter.

“Moth,” I said, by way of explanation because of his incredulous look.

“I understand,” he said, “it’s miller time around here.”

Keep your heads down and your swatters handy!IMG_1860

 

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Updating the Princess Diaries

If Roy and I ever decide to divorce (and believe me when I say he’s not getting off that easy), I will no doubt name his faithful dog, Josie, as co-respondent. The dog, known not so fondly by me as “the Princess,” is the object of more arguments between us than money or raising the children. All right, the children are grown, but money is an issue, and the dog and her antics outweighs it!

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The dog is notorious for her antics around the house and Roy is notorious for defending her. Thus, “the Princess” has spent her life getting in trouble with me and wiggling out of trouble with Roy. Of course, when hunting season comes in the fall, she proves why she is so popular and I lose those arguments: she can chase and retrieve pheasants and I would rather be at ground zero in a nuclear blast than even try such a thing!

Her most long-standing trick has been her ability to plant her grubby front paws on the counter in my kitchen and check out whatever has been left there. She has an agreement with herself–if it’s food, it’s obviously just missed her bowl and landed on the counter, so she should not bother anyone and should just eat from there. If we happen to have left the butter dish open, she licks it so clean, you’d never know it was used. That’s just her being polite and neat.

She also enjoys dish towels, hot pads and particularly damp dish cloths. I don’t have to leave any of those things very long. She has a regular scouting cycle throughout the house and even when she doesn’t, she still has a radar. She can be lying prone on the living room floor, oblivious to all around her and I will lay a dishtowel gently on the counter and a five-alarm bell will go off in her head. Before I can make it from the kitchen to the living room, she is magically back, dishtowel laying peacefully by her side.\

Roy has been very indulgent about these forays by her. So while I am wiping the dirty paw prints from my counters and counting up the losses from her latest raid, Roy is sitting with the dog innocently at his side, piously advising me to better protect the things in my kitchen…that have every right to be on the counter…and not be confiscated by a stupid dog! He pats the Princess on the head, chanting, “Poor little dog…”, the dog sits beside him looking as if she would never dream of jumping on a counter, and I have visions in my head of both of them falling through a trap door into a large hole in a tragic “accident.”

This week, however, the Princess may have overstepped her bounds. I baked some banana bread, something that is close to Roy’s heart. We each had a slice or two of the fresh banana bread and the dog sat and pretended she wasn’t looking at us. The bread was carefully put away.

The next day, I got out the cutting board, knife, and bread and cut a couple of more slices. I just knew I’d want more, so I left it out and told Roy that it was there. He went out within two minutes and called back, “What, did you put the bread away already?”

I knew before I went out what I would find. The scene in the picture above only tells half the story; the rest comes in the form of a guilty-looking dog, standing in the doorway with crumbs still on her snout.

Roy was distraught. “I didn’t get to eat hardly any of the bread. How could you have eaten all of it!”

I walked past the Princess and gave her a pat on the head, “Poor little dog.” The kitchen wars continue.

 

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My Mom-pants Mystery

IMG_1793It’s a well-documented fact that I am not much of a cleaner…I don’t clean, so much as I…oh, what is the word? Oh yes, I’m not a cleaner, I’m a collector….okay, I’m a hoarder. There, I admit it. My house is an explosion waiting to happen, loaded to the gills with half-finished craft projects, plastic bottles I don’t want to throw in the landfill and papers, magazines and books that I never will get completely read.

I’ve always known this about myself and I’ve been fine with it. But after this week, I have to wonder if there is some sort of “garbage gremlin” attempting to work evil within these walls. I’m not really all that upset about the idea, and that’s because other than this thought, the most exciting thing that has happened to me this week was that I opened a new container of Metamucil fiber powder!

It was the mom pants that really started this line of thought. I was cleaning the back bedroom in my house which kind of serves as a “catch-all.” Don’t know what to do with those canceled tickets to the concert? Toss them back there. No place to file those out of focus pictures of…someone’s birthday? Lay them on the desk. Can’t find a place to keep those plastic bottles and empty paper rolls that you just know you’ll find a use for? Plenty of floor space in the spare bedroom.

After a few weeks of this kind of treatment, the room begins to look pretty bad. At times, I forget there is even a bed in there at all.  So this week, I decided to clean (by that I mean shift messy piles around and make them neater piles). And always, when I clean, I come to each item and I can say, “Oh yes, I remember where this came from, I was going to sew the buttons back on this, so I could wear it again.” And I carefully place the maxi-skirt in the eleventh pile it has occupied in 30 years. But I always know where they came from and why they are there.

What I didn’t expect this week was the discovery of the strange grocery bag. Yes, I have plenty of grocery bags, but this one was from a store I’d never heard of. I cautiously looked inside, because occasionally when I don’t know the outside package, a mouse or other creature has been located inside.

All that greeted me was a box with “conversation starter” cards, you know, those suggestions for small talk like, “so, do you like the toilet paper over the roll or under the roll and do you believe this has a religious significance?” or perhaps, “did you do some type of drugs in the 60s, or did you get this confused unaided by chemicals?”

Those were not the largest mystery, however. I also found a pair of women’s jeans in the bag. Perfectly good jeans that did not in anyway resemble anything that I own. Keep in mind, I have an aversion to jeans…I would rather wear tight burlap sacks strapped across my legs and a little too short in the inseams. Add to that the fact that they were nowhere near my size….never mind what that is!

Of course, the obvious solution was that one of my daughters brought them on a visit and left them. I consulted immediately. The older of my lovely progeny immediately rejected them on the basis of size and name brand, but she did request that I send a picture, which, as you can see above, I did. On receipt of the picture, my lovely younger child dismissed the whole thing with, “What, you think I’d wear Mom pants?”

This brings us to the mystery. How DID these pants appear in my back bedroom? Pants that either don’t fit the people in my family or that are too…mature-appearing. What are mom pants, anyway? I repeat my previous statement–I must have a garbage gremlin who is depositing mysterious items in my private clutter. I am outraged. I want those mysterious mom-pants out of my house.

I’m keeping the conversation starters, though. And by the way, “if a tree falls alone in the forest, is it liable for damages?” Wait, that wasn’t quite right!

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The story of Roy’s stepchildren

IMG_1791Okay, I bet I know what you’re thinking, “When did Roy get stepchildren and what do these tomatoes have to do with anything?” I promise you, it all fits together and I’ll explain.

I have never claimed to be a master gardener or anything like that. I have, over the years, started many plants from seed, pretty much all of which barely made it out of the “popping out of the ground” stage. At the present moment, I have an outside garden in which radishes and peas are making a sporadic appearance and beans and carrots have apparently elected not to appear at all. The tomatoes and peppers were bought as mature plants and have been holding nightly meetings to come up with new lists of demands—not enough sun, too much water, etc. I don’t think they like the neighborhood!

This is not necessarily a discouraging thing for me. I am used to failures on the gardening front. I have even come to accept and embrace those failings. I admire the flowers and plants of other people with a big smile on my face and a silent curse on their green thumbs stuck in the back of my throat…okay, maybe I am a little bitter.

But this spring, things are different. As you can see from the picture, I, me, Jackie Fauth, the plant killer, have raised six tomato plants from seed! These little girls are all mine due to my diligence, tender care, and maybe even the lullabies I have been singing them. That’s right, they LIKE my singing!

Every day, I go out to the garage to the table by the window with just the right amount of warmth and sun and I give water to them and I praise them–obviously, Prunella is the biggest and most beautiful, but I try not to have favorites, because Jammy and Saucy (the most size-impaired ones) get very jealous.

Roy has been watching this development with pretty much no comment. He does keep pointing out in a carefully logical voice that they are way behind the others and probably will never reach the point where they will squeeze out a tomato before the frost hits. He doesn’t know that I plan to keep them in the house this winter…maybe on his side of the bed!

I have been taking my girls out each day for a little sun. We have a visit; I tell them what I’ve been doing (yes, it HAS been a long pandemic, why do you ask?) and they show me their new leaves and the rate at which their roots are growing. We have a wonderful relationship and I really feel like a Master Gardener.

This week, however, I have begun to realize that Roy has perhaps unknowingly (but I don’t think so) been abusing my girls. I go outside and find them sitting ON THE GROUND with no thought to their well-being. When I complained that he was not providing them with the proper amount of moisture, he SPRAYED them with water! I went out to check on them and they were laying over, looking so sad.

“What did you do to them?” I raged. “Look at them! They are distraught!”

“I watered them, along with all the other plants,” he said, looking as though I’d lost my mind.

“You don’t dump water on their heads!” I was outraged. “You sprinkle some water GENTLY around their roots, or better still, put it in the bottom of the tray and they can use it when they are ready. They are traumatized; it will take me hours to get them comforted and back to normal.”

“Something’s not normal around here, that’s for sure,” he muttered as he started to walk away.

“Another thing,” I had just remembered, “I came out here yesterday when the wind was whipping and found these girls, BENT OVER, they were so terrified of the wind. How could you do that?”

It was then that he made reference to three things: 1) My gardening was a trifle obsessed; 2) Mental health needs to be carefully nurtured and 3) He didn’t sign on to this marriage to play stepfather to a bunch of tomatoes.

Some people are just selfish!

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Yoga not what I envisioned

woman in black tank top and black leggings standing near wall
Photo by Retha Ferguson on Pexels.com

Jackie Wells-Fauth

In case anyone is having problems with their eyesight, no, the woman in the picture is not me. I put it in because when I think of yoga, this is what I always envisioned. A beautiful, graceful stand on only one leg. My yoga is as similar to this as a flying cow is to a fairy (me being the cow, of course).

I have to admit I’ve come to the world of yoga rather late in the game and I may not be looking for the same things out of it that others are. I was told that if I did yoga, my balance would improve, my overall body toning would be better and I would experience things I never had before. One of those is true, but not exactly in the way they may have intended. The experiences have been profound!

Since I started late, I started slow, with a yoga for seniors routine. Now, the woman who was demonstrating the procedures had gray hair, but she didn’t bend like any senior I have ever seen and I certainly didn’t bend anything like her. She would demonstrate a move with precision and grace and I would follow with inaccuracy and imbalance. My eyes bulged, my joints popped and my body moved with all the beauty of a hog in the mud waller.

I was determined, however, and little by little, I began to master the moves she showed me. And most days, I am able to put my body in regular motion within a few hours of having done my yoga. I haven’t mastered that standing with my hands folded and one leg up, though. Oh, I can fold my hands all right, but that makes it difficult to grab the things around me when I attempt to bring my leg up and balance on only one limb! Now there’s an experience I never had before, so maybe all that hype is right!

Starting small was the theme of this project and so I am learning to do squats and body twists and ankle lifts. Well, I think I’m doing the squats correctly, as long as I don’t watch myself on the bends. I do a fair job of body twists, but when it comes to arching my back and staring upwards, I still see spots before my eyes…although maybe not as many;  I haven’t counted. The ankle lifts have been very helpful, but there again, I don’t like to watch that move. I think I’m being very graceful and ballet-like and a look in the mirror tells me that one wrong twist and the ballerina will be permanently scarred…not to mention the damage to things surrounding me if I go down.

So, the yoga actually has helped me with balance, and I know my body moves a little better and definitely I’ve experienced things I never did before, so I may have to amend my previous statement and admit that yoga has been beneficial. And if I ever master that standing on one leg with my hands folded, it’ll probably be because I’m actually leaning on the kitchen counter behind me. Happy yoga to you all!

 

 

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Put a mask on it…

94590223_3061795107192232_1116854340645027840_oI remember seeing world news over the years where in large, metropolitan areas, people wore masks. Either there was a lot of illness (although not like now) or a lot of smog or someone was just susceptible. I always felt bad for those people. Imagine my surprise to wake up one morning and discover that WE are those people!

Now, I’m not really here to debate the subject of whether we should wear masks or not. If you want to go without a mask, do so, but as for me and mine, I think we’ll wear masks. Our choice.

The real issue here, of course, is what kind of mask to wear. I have heard a thousand debates and a thousand types of masks touted and I am still not quite sure. I know we are not to wear the N-95 masks, as our medical people need them far worse. Since the 3-Ms and other mask-making businesses of the world are busy making those masks, we must fend for ourselves.

Now, I spend way too much time on Facebook and that has never been more apparent than now. If you spend five minutes on Facebook, someone will be showing you a new and more clever way to make masks. There are patterns and tutorials for every conceivable style of mask. And it changes quickly. Straight across the face masks soon gave way to a more fitted mask, which gave way to masks you didn’t have to sew. I like those best.

There is the heel of a sock mask, but I had problems with that. First of all, you have to cut up a perfectly good sock or you have to use one of the mis-mated old ones in the back of your drawer. I didn’t have any new socks, so I tried the mis-mated one. Now, I KNOW the sock was clean, but there is something about putting my nose in a sock that has been on my foot, that makes me very reluctant. I know there’s no smell, but trust me, there’s a smell!

My husband had a similar problem after I came up with the idea to use an old padded bra. I saw a great tutorial on cutting the cups apart and even using the elastic from the straps to secure it. Then my husband weighed in: he would not appear in public with half a bra strapped across his face! Some people are so fussy, but lucky for him, I couldn’t breathe in it, so I couldn’t wear it either.

In the end, after trying paper towels with staples, coffee filters and those neat ones you can make with a handkerchief and two pony tail holders (I couldn’t) I was getting ready to buy one made to look like a Minnesota Vikings poster or a cow licking its lips or even the one that looks like you have your faced shoved in the front zipper of your jeans.

My lovely daughter rescued us from that by making us some wonderful, durable masks. She sent them to us, along with a batch of delicious cookies, so we couldn’t resist showing our ingratitude with the picture I have included. We figured out how to eat the cookies and use the masks, but I will never again take for granted the simple act of drawing a deep, unimpeded breath…if I ever feel safe enough to go out without a mask again!

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