Following the fashion…after a fashion.

Nothing is more depressing for me than to go shopping for clothes. It’s not just a matter of not having the body for the fashions…I also have no fashion sense. I just can’t visualize how something on a hanger is going to look on me. Hence, I have been known to make some…oh, let’s call them “fashion faux paux”

The first thing you will notice when you go clothes shopping today is that the small, petite and medium sizes are pretty cute, but the large, extra-large, and candidate-for-a-tent sizes never look all that attractive. If I’m already of a rather large size, why would I want bright orange flowers pasted across my belly or worse, my backend? Give me the delicate and dainty pink rosebuds you put on the small dress, please!

On a recent trip through the latest summer fashions, I noticed an alarming trend. I found a beautiful pattern of a dress and it even had larger sizes, but it left my back almost entirely open. I do not plan to show off my back…I have moles, skin tags and back acne which make it necessary to keep my back covered…so crowds of disgusted people don’t gather.

Moving along, I found some beautiful tops, several colors and mostly my size. They covered my back and left my shoulders completely uncovered. No can do: my shoulders belong in football pads and they are not enhanced by sticking out of the sides of my blouse. Another problem.

The prettiest pattern in the dresses was one that hung long on one side, but came up above the knee on the other side. Now, my legs are not a thing of beauty and putting me in a dress which shows them off at a slant might make the observer wonder if he had been drinking…or if he should start!

Next, I found some beautiful dresses and jackets. They fit well and they covered all the right spots. Good, I found something, you’re thinking? You would be wrong. While the dresses were a nice, sedate pattern, the jackets were bright tangerine. All I could think when I looked at these suits was that no one at sea would need a signal flag. They could see me for miles!

I sorted through pants with rips already in them (I make enough of my own, thank you), blouses with chains and beads for a neckline (ow), and beautiful prints that were much too small. And while I looked, I began to get a wonderful idea…what if I started to design my own line of clothes????? Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

Okay, so put your imagination in gear: I would design a dress that was slimming, but didn’t hug my multiple fat rolls, all colors would be tan, khaki or the ever-popular grey. The clothes would cover my neck (too many wrinkles), my shoulders, my back, and my legs. Oh, also, it would have to cover my arms, my wrists and my ankles. The picture this brings to my mind is a kind of a quiet, unimaginative, institution kind of garment that made have been popular at the end of the last century!

I suppose it’s too much to hope that this kind of garment exists anywhere in the stores, so there is only one solution. I will have to start sewing my own fashions. Yes, that is the answer. Now, does anyone know where I could locate a bathing suit pattern with skirts, bloomers and sleeves????

© Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In the Well, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jackie Wells-Fauth and Drops In The Well with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humorous Column

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s